2013

another year, another shot at a new beginning, right?

and soooooooo, like always, i'm not one to keep a new year's resolution (i can never fulfill it if i have one), but rather just hope and work on making life just a little sweeter day by day.

after all, tomorrow is just another day. have a good New Year's celebration everyone. i'm gonna be working. :)

and oh, yeah, here's to hoping 2013 will be full of success for me, less of the drama and the emotional roller coaster.

fingers crossed, 13 is a lucky number this time.

cheers!

Mom

okay, now this is a tricky little thing for me to discuss, and i've been battling my own conscience on this matter.

sigh.

i think i finally know what it is about my hometown that i hate so much. and please, don't judge me for saying this, but i think it's because of my mother.

yes. i can't stand the idea of going back to the hometown because that's where my mother is.

i'm sorry mother, i know that you love me and cares for me and sacrificed a lot for me and you want nothing but the best that life can give for me--i totally understand all those things, and i love you for that... but i really have come to a point that i really can't stand you.

i know. i'm evil. i'm a shitpiece of a daughter. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so so so sorry. but i just cannot lie to myself about how i feel, but recently i've discovered that being near you always gets a rise out of me. i can't control my temper around you, and i just find that everything you say gets me annoyed. and please don't ask me why. i don't know why. maybe i'm just so screwed up like that.

sigh.

that is why i find that the best way for me to keep the peace is by staying away from you. i know it hurts your feelings that i'm never around, and that i never wanted to stay at home even when i'm on holidays, but i think it's better that way than having my uncontrollable anger making me scream or throw sarcastic remarks at you.

i. just. don't. want. to. be. that. kind. of. daughter.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

disclaimer?

i like to think that i'm generally an honest person. if anything, the crime that i would commit is the crime of omission. depending on how far i feel you can accept my truth, i omit certain information out of the conversations.

however, to those who read my blog (why, thank you for taking the time to), would know that i'm pretty open here. i like to think of this space as a public diary, where i can talk about things i wish i can share with people but i feel somewhat difficult to talk about.

now, let me just be clear. what i talked about here is nothing fictional. it's real things that happens in my life. some of them i know, seems a bit taboo or hard to absorb for some of you. but that is why i write about them. i believe whomever reading my blog is special, as this is where i spill my deepest darkest stories and thoughts. i hope you are open enough to be able to still accept me as a person (and a friend, if you're my friend in real life) after reading my posts. i hope that you do not pass judgement on me.

and friends, if you do read my posts here, and you wish to talk to me about it, i am always open. just ask the right question and you'll get an answer. :)

wonderful.

the long, heart-to-heart conversations.

the taste of tequila on your lips.

the sensual tickle of your stubble on my skin.

the rough drunken sex.

falling asleep, and waking up, right in your warm embrace.

you are, the perfect end to my night and the perfect beginning to my day.

too bad i can never have you. i'm all kinds of wonderful in your eyes, but i can never steal you from her.

Hospital Scandal

recently during a dinner outing with friends who are not in the healthcare business, a friend asked me "so, got any scandals ah in your hospital?"

i just gave a meaningful smile and said "got..... too much scandal lah."

my mind drifted to the time when i was telling a close friend of a case of who-sleeping-with-who a few months back. the friend remarked "wow, who would've thought there's so much going on in a hospital??"

yeah, who would've thought. even i didn't realize it until i started working and got involved in my own share of scandalous affairs. (lol!)

no wonder there are people out there inspired to make dramas such as Grey's Anatomy and General Hospital. the hospital really is a place full of steamy love affairs. everyone's screwing everyone else.

come to think of it, the people in the hospital are probably more dedicated at getting themselves laid than making the sick people well again. *shrugs* well at least i am.

so far, i've heard stories of: consultants fucking fellow consultants, consultant fucking the MO (that's Medical Officer, or general doctor for the layman), consultants who has converted religion due to polygamy (but still has the first wife, and she's still in her religion, don't know how that works), MOs getting penalized for sexual harassment to fellow MOs, MOs acting like sluts, MOs fucking staff nurses (well that's really typical), staff nurses offering themselves as sex slaves for money, MOs hiding the fact that he's recently married just so he can use his good looks to charm the pants off pretty much every female staff in the department, MOs with sex addiction problems who goes for prostitutes whenever he has the chance, MOs and ward attendants doing drugs together on hospital grounds, drug dealers among the staffs....

oh God, there's just so many deep dark stories hidden within the hospital walls. and it's not even crappy shit like ghost sightings. i think knowing things that goes on in the building, even ghost are appalled.

if i make the stories i've heard and write a story about it, damn, i'd give those hospital-themed dramas on tv a run for their money.....

perception vs reality.

Nurses.

angels on earth. dedicating ourselves to healing the sick. girls want to be us, mothers wants us as daughters and daughters-in-law. men wants us as their wives and mother for their children.

little girls want to be nurses because we seem like angels, so pure in our white uniforms, taking great care of the sick and the elderly with that serene smile on our faces, and looking oh-so-beautiful with our little nurse cap, pink lips and hair neatly tucked into a bun.

mothers wants us as their daughters because we are capable of caring for so many patients in the ward day after day, so it would only be natural for us to be able to care for our families. we can take great care of our mothers when they are old and ailing, we know exactly what to do when our child is down with a fever. and we'll always love them with that smile on our faces that you so often do see at the hospitals.

for the men, we are only the most perfect combination of sexiness and purity. pink cheeks, scarlet lips, hair in a perfect bun, that body-con uniforms and the idea that we can inflict only so much delicious pain combined with the angelic smile, our soft voice asking them how they are feeling and trying our best to make them feel at rest and always so ready to cater to their every whim. a vision of heaven in white. all they want to do is mess up that perfect bun, unbutton the uniform and unleash the devil from inside of those "angels".


but alas, the reality is far from beautiful. we are no angels. the serene smile you see is forced, it is a part of the job. we are after all in the business of service. makeup is taught, after all to be cared for by someone who looks sicker than you are is off-putting.

we spent our day caring for virtual unknowns day in and day out, with our hectic work schedules, caring for others is the last thing on our mind when we get off work. yes, we know your sickness and we know what to do, but we're just too tired to care. we have to take care of ourselves too. and most days we just don't have the time to spare to actually care for anyone else outside of work. we are too busy to care for strangers to have the time for our own family. the serene smile and patience? every drop of it have been drained at the hospital, i'm afraid. as soon as the card is punched out, gone is the smile, our shoulders slump and everyone is an annoyance.

yes, we are sexy, but that could also mean that we are potentially the biggest sluts you could ever meet. we know men are clamoring for our attention. the smile on our faces is a knowing smile, we know when you have fallen for our looks and charms. cater to your every whim? once you get ensnared, you're the one who will be catering to our wants and needs, only to be left behind when we fall for a playboy male doctor--the only being that turns us on. "how are you feeling, sir?" when you have been used up and left behind? not so nice ain't it? too bad there won't be a hospital for broken hearts.

x

why is it right after i tell you, and i tell myself, "no more," every fibre of my body craves and itches for you?

what i'd do to have your touch and kisses. X

liar liar, pants on fire.

somehow i seem to do a lot of self-reflection recently.
well, trying to figure myself out has always been one of my favourite pastimes.

today, i realized that i act like a fucking compulsive liar to those i believe are unable to accept who i am and the things i do. i lie and i lie and i lie a lil more, and at times i don't even know why i did it for. (haha, quoting a line from Black Eyed Peas right there.) But yeah, i guess i just don't like the idea of being judged by those people.

but some people that i truly believe can handle my truth, i don't hold back. just ask the right questions, and you'll get nothing but the truth from me. straight from the heart. but then there's also the catch: i won't voluntarily tell you, you're gonna have to ask.

sometimes it seems like i share too much, but boy you don't know what the hell i'm holding back from you.

so, which one of the two categories of people do you fall into? the one i compulsively lie to, or the one i keep no holds barred?

fuck you. and the thoughts you bring.

wondering how you're doing, who you're doing, and whether you're thinking of me is putting unnecessary load on my brain.

i have better use for my brain cells. i have better use for my nanoseconds.

so fuck it. fuck you.

i'm prioritizing myself now.

going, going, gone.

the patient that was cursed out by my junior colleague recently, the one when she said the infamous line of "kalau nak mampus, mampus je la, jangan menyusahkan orang" -- he died today.

unfortunately, dah nak mampus pun still menyusahkan orang. he asked (more like ordered) for us to do vacuum suctioning of his phlegm, which nobody entertained. he refused to put on his oxygen mask, then proceed to lodge a complaint to the specialist on call about nobody wanting to do suctioning for him. Mr Specialist pulak cuma kenal nama i, laju je nak panggil "Muz, patient wants suction," padahal bukan patient aku.. banyak je kerja lain den nak buat.. i'm busy with my own post op patients.

so another junior colleague had to attend to him. elok je on the suction machine, his oxygen saturation dropped, terus flat. terus bungkus2, hantar pi mortuary. kesian the junior colleague, tak pasal2 je kena balik pukul 4 to settle his mortuary and death cert arrangements.

Goodbye.

you gave me the best night i ever wanted... until you say those words.

we had superb fun. candlelit dinner, you indulged me in anything i wanted. bar hopping, yummy cocktail shots one after another, and another, and another.. and awesome, awesome mind blowing sex.

you asked me what was my best sex. i told you it was tonight. i did not lie.

i was happy. elated. so amazingly on cloud nine.

until you told me tonight is goodbye. until you gave me that shit speech that it's unlike you to say goodbye in the first place. that you usually simply walk away. that it's your nature to move on and forget things, however significant they are to you.

i feigned a smile. i nodded in understanding. i joked that i hoped you won't miss me. i looked away as you gave your shit speech, tried to blink away tears that threatened to jeopardize my calm composure.

we kissed. then you walked away.

i started my car and the dam broke. i can't stop the tears. i can't stop sobbing. i'm fucking amazed i managed to navigate my car home tonight. i had to sit in my car and just sat and sobbed, my whole body shaking. i went into my room and just broke down. choking on tears i can't cry out.

i never knew someone could break my stone cold heart. i never knew that someone would be you.

pembantu fucking tadbir.

eiiiiiiii sakitnya hatiiiiiiii.

you're a fucking petty clerk, and you're picking fights with me? wow, so fucking big of you.

well well miss you-think-you're-perfect-in-everything-you-do, your work is a piece of shit too, and you can bet your fucking ass i'll have that piece of ass of your all toasted up.

picking fucking fights with the wrong fucking bitch. you're so fucking goin to fucking die. you and your fucking ugly fucking kid. no wonder your husband left you, you fucking piece of shit.

Death.

i've been in the healthcare sector for 4 years plus now (including my studying years in nursing college), and although we were taught and reminded to be sympathetic and empathetic towards the patients, i have to say, facing sickness, despair and death every single day does desensitize one from emotions.

with me being an emotionally detached person to begin with, there are moments that i wonder if i'm not normal for not being able to put myself in my patients' shoes.

and the moment that i feel most awkwardly not normal is when faced with death, or an impending death of a patient. i know enough social graces to keep a serious face when in the company of weeping family members, but i just can't be sympathetic. yes, i know, you're sad and all, someone's gonna die, but i still got to settle my work, so, please all 30 of you, stop gathering round here and get the fuck outta my face. this is not some shit tv drama where you can go ask any fucking staff of the prognosis and they will entertain you so you can do more of your dramatic weeping.

and, another thing, although it is not really my place to say, i have yet to find the light to repentance, and may i say this is strictly my own personal thought and observations, regardless of race and religions, people almost always only look for God when faced with death. you have one patient pronounced DIL NAR (that's Dangerously Ill List - No Active Resuscitation -- meaning if the patient collapse, the patient and family have decided to let it be and request for no CPR to be done to save the patient) then BAM, you'll suddenly see the whole "kampung", which you never seen even one of the face throughout the patient's stay in ward. suddenly there will be mass prayers, the Tok Imams and the priests will suddenly appear at patient's bedside.

i always wonder, why is that so? if you never looked for God before, you think scrambling for Him at that point will suddenly save your life? now, i'm not saying that it's wrong, for each their own, but well, it's fascinating how humans reach frantically for solace and peace only when it's no longer salvageable.

death and the human reaction to it. it's a really fascinating thing.

my favourite drug.

i am addicted.

to you.

how do you stay away from your favorite drug?

i can get others, make no mistake. but you're the one i'm chasing. the one that satisfies my cravings.

statement membunuh of the day

a junior colleague of mine had to deal with crazy hecticities the past couple of days, with her team having the most number of patients, critical ones at that. among them was one Neurosurgical (a.k.a Psy ward) patient admitted for pulling off his urinary tubing, causing trauma to his urethra.

so this guy came in from Emergency Dept with sudden drop of blood pressure, bleeding from his pee pee causing lack of blood in his system. a lot of plans were laid out for him, making being in charge of the guy a very taxing task.

as it goes, during one of those busy moments, the junior colleague was overheard saying, "kalau nak mampus tu mampus je lah, jangan menyusahkan orang."

woah. very the statement membunuh.

but i can't judge her. i'd admit that i've once or twice have said that too. and i think it's a pretty popular saying in the medical world, especially when dealing with stupid people and their stupid acts.

so, yeah, if you ever thought of committing suicide or something like that, do remember,

KALAU NAK MAMPUS TU JANGAN LAH MENYUSAHKAN ORANG.

have a good day everyone. :)

holidays...

i wanna go for a holiday.. like a real, go off to an island or someplace and really just not think about work. just take a slow walk by the beach, enjoying the wind in my hair, then have a nice pampering of sorts - massages, facials, sauna.. god, it'll be heaven.

somehow i kept thinking about Sabah.. i want to go and enjoy the mindblowing seafood.. take a dip in the warm, clear blue waters.. ahhhh. perhaps that'll be a good choice for my first getaway since i started working.

holidays vs. no money.

technically, i got a 2 days off. off work at 3pm on thurs, off on friday and night shift on saturday.

but, alas, i'm so fucking broke that i have to think and rethink any plans of heading to McD.

so this little girl decided to just stay in bed, and do nothing. no wonder people think i'm fucking boring. sleeping is all i do.

So-So-So-Scandalous!

shit. never mix work with pleasure. nothing good ever comes out of it.

but we all know i always do the exact opposite of what i should.

whispers have been heard about us.

from people that aren't supposed to know shit.

oh well, no concrete evidence, deny till the end.

time to put my celeb face up and go with "no comment, i don't know anything of it" mantra.

is this goodbye?

you're leaving soon. for good.

selangor doesn't sound very far, but with work schedules and the hassle of travelling, i doubt that we'll see each other. okay, maybe once a month, once a fortnight at most. quite the change from hanging out almost every single day, night and morning like we're doing now.

will you miss me?

will you find someone new?

heh, i already have replacements waiting, not gonna deny that. but i like you. hanging out with you, being friends with you. going fucking nuts with you. you're... genuine.

i don't care what other people think of you.. you're a fucking genius. i like learning and discovering new things with you. :)

well good luck on your future endeavors, man.
you are after all a pirate and to sail away is part of your nature.

id, ego, superego.

the logical part of my brain is battling my ego.

logic (and quite a number of close buddies) have been telling me to quit this, let go of everything and get back to who i was.

but i can't. i refuse to. it's too much fun to turn back.

and no, this is not culture shock. this is me becoming, and doing exactly what i've imagined myself to be all these years. it's scary, and yet it's liberating.

i don't want to go back to being boring little old me. this IS me, now.

wise words.

someone once made the observation that despite having quite the personality, i'm also very submissive.

and it's not a bad thing.

"it takes great strength to be submissive, that's why only weak people would try to dominate things and show off their power."

soooooo, i'm a strong girl, huh? :)

lovedrunk.

you said "i love you."

i said "i love you too."

you said "i wanna keep you forever."

you even contemplated religion.

and i said i'm yours.

but we were fucking drunk. nothing counts when it's said in intoxication.

i'm regretting my words.

you can't remember any of yours. and it's better that way.

don't fall for me. i'm so fucking screwed, i'll only end up hurting you. and you're so screwed, you'll only end up hurting me.

takes patience to deal with patients.

*me walking past a chinese uncle during work*
Uncle : (muttering something in chinese)
me : (stared at him for a bit, assumed he's muttering something to himself, walks away)

half an hour later

*me walking past the uncle again*
Uncle : (muttering something in chinese, in a louder voice)
Me : (stared back, make a puzzled face, and walked away)

an hour later

*me attending to a patient across his bed*
Uncle : "Misi ah.... (saying something in chinese)
Me : *annoyed, especially since i had been having a busy night*
"APA KE BENDA NYA UNCLE OIIIII. I'm Malay, not Chinese!!!!!! Saya Melayu lahhhhhhhhhhhhh. x paham bahasa cina!!!"
Uncle : oh, bukan cina ah.. (mumbles)
Me : (exasperated, walked away)


y'see, if it's a one time thing, i'd say i'm overreacting to this uncle. but for one, i've been attending to him for the past 2 weeks and he did the same shit every single day. MOTHERFUCKINGFUCK you're senile, old man.

and please, if you ever get admitted to a fucking govt hospital, don't bother calling up for help unless your life depends on it. if one more, i say, one fucking more patient calls me up with that crazy emergency voice only to make me fix their pillow, i'm going to commit murder.

Second Guessing

"once you go black, you'll never go back."

some days i felt like i'm so fucked up.

i'm  so screwed, on so many levels.

but is repentance even part of my options?

chick lits.

50 Shades of Grey? more like 50 Shades of Horny.

not that i'm complaining..

Padwans.

"i don't want to be just another one of your padwans,"

i still wince when reminded of those words he said to me. that hurts. for you to think that i'm the one going around acting like a slut. what don't you get? i don't want any other, i want you.

you told me not to fall for you, and yet, you're playing all this emo shit on me. you know what? for that i'll break my promise just to spite you. i'll fall.

irony

they say, if you're sick, you have to go see a doctor.

but, what if you got sick because you went to see a doctor?

hmmmmmm...

new boy on the block.

out with the old, in with the new, they say.

haha, me and my scandalous life.

body image.

looked at some old photos back when i was a child, and i realized that i was not the "cute kid" or the "pretty one" of the family.
funny, i never thought of it all these years. and not that i looked at the photos only to scrutinize myself, but it was just something i noticed as i was browsing the pages of old family albums. the big sister has always been the demure, pretty one. the little sister has always been the charmingly adorably cute one. then there's me. the scrawny thin kid with odd hair and a mole on the face.

i guess that explains my fascinations for makeup and my obsession on plastic surgery back in my teen years. yes, i was obsessed. but as far as getting one, getting rid of my facial mole was the first and the last. ha ha. not that i don't want any more, but the cost of getting one overshadows the benefit. practical-minded me will not allow myself to get it.

and after all these years, as a grown woman, i'm more comfortable being in my own skin. more accepting of my flaws. they're still flaws, but I've decided that i'm okay with them. there are times that i would look at my siblings and think "yeah, i'm the pretty one." who cares if it's untrue. it's true in my mind and that's all that matters. :)

and, not that i want to condone committing sinful acts, but yeah, recently i ventured into the dangerous world of picture sexting. :P
it's highly addictive, and partly because i found it highly liberating. i've always dealt with body image issues due to my thin frame. i always thought i have "a boy's body". my boobs are not big enough, my butt is not big enough, i don't have that hourglass figure that every men seem to crave for. but taking pictures of myself and having someone telling me that i look perfect despite my insecurities (hell, the dude was probably saying sweet things just to get into my panties but who the fuck cares) is definitely an ego booster for me. i found that i'm more appreciative of my body now. like, i don't need big boobs, i'm fucking sexy as i am now...

so, i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say, but, hey, just be happy and accept yourself. at the end of the day beauty is how you look at yourself. :)

lesson learnt.

when you fuck up ain't nobody gonna have your back.

sigh.

i'm fucking tired of all this already. spent all my energy this past 10 months trying to convince myself i can make it. and at this point there is no more energy left.

i'm exhausted. lethargic. so fucking tired.

i want to just go to sleep and never wake up ever again.

depression 2.0

i fucking need counselling. or get on meds. or quit my job.
either one or ima start killing myself.

You.

something's bothering you and it's obvious.
you've been so quiet. so distant.

i miss the usual you.

and i can't help but feel like you're blaming me. but it's not my fault the results were not what you hoped it was. and i hate thinking that you're blaming me. i hate that i felt used. you and me, we're equal. you're no better than me, so don't act like you are above me. God i hate you. i hate you because i want you so fucking much.

what the fuck is this? you make my blood boil, you get me hot and bothered. you make me feel like the most beautiful angel. you make me feel like a slut. you want all of me, and i want all of you.

i want to make you happy. but i want to make me happy too. i can't be near you. i feel your gaze watching my every move. and i would gaze back at you when you're looking away.

but it's probably better for us to be this way. it's probably better for you to keep your distance. i'll get over you, like i got over the rest.

No money is easy money / Betrayed.

i'm the type of person who does not keep a lot of friends. sure, i have a lot of acquaintances, but it's not easy to get into my 'friends' circle, and even harder to get to 'close friends' circle, and i think almost impossible to get to the 'sisters' circle. trust me. even biological sister can't get into my 'sisters' circle. :)

the difference between the friendship level is based on how far i trust the person. basically, i don't trust anyone i keep as acquaintances. there are some bits of trust in my friends, and so on. as for sisters, i would trust them with my life.

so the story goes like this: in nursing college i got to know a girl. we started off as acquaintance, i actually gravitated towards her as she is somewhat in my wavelength in terms of a city girl with a passion for fashion, from similar family background and an open mind. we hung out a lot and gradually she became the few close friends that i had in that godforsaken college.

then after 3 years, graduation came and we went our separate ways. sure, i miss what few friends that i had back in college, especially since i don't make that many at work. so when the girl suddenly contacted me and wanted to hang out, i jumped at the chance. didn't care that i was tired after a super busy PM shift (work finished at 9pm, went out from ward at 11pm), i still went out of my way to meet her. we had fun, just exchanging stories and updating each other on our lives. we promised to meet up again some other time before we part for the night.

until one night she invited me for late night snacks at a mamak place. as usual, i've just finished a tiring day of PM shift but for the sake of seeing a good friend i dragged myself to see her. but what i got that night was a disappointing surprise. she actually had arranged that her "friend" came talk to me to pitch a shady business scheme that immediately screamed "Ponzi!!" in my head.

my face changed. my mind changed. my trust in her was totally destroyed within seconds. one thing was that it is an insult to my intelligence for her to think i would fall for that shit. another is that all those time, she was saying how much she wanted me to join her because she "trusted" me. no honey, "trust" is what i gave you. and now i take it back. because you betrayed it by trying to sell me out.

being the good (unconfrontational) friend that i am, i just put on my poker face, bid my farewell with a smile and left. and now she won't stop bugging me, calling me day in and day out, asking to see me again and again and again. i just kept lying and lying. it's fucking choking me, all the calls.

i just, i don't believe in easy money. sure, i hate it when i have to work hard to earn my pay. but at least i know i make an honest way of living. if there's one thing i learned in life, it's that there is no such thing as easy money. no one makes thousands just sitting on their ass. and another thing i learned the hard way in life is that greed will only bring you down. better to be thankful for what you have. i make just enough to pay for my car, put some food on the table and afford me some little bits of indulgences -- and i'm perfectly thankful.

so yeah, what i got out of this is to watch my back - people i trust might stab me from the back as i hug them. thanks a lot for bringing my paranoia a step further, "friend".

between desires and reality.

i want to get a tattoo. not a lot, just one, and in one particular place. on my right wrist, specifically right on my radial pulse point. i'm torn between getting my signature, or small stars or some sort of meaningful symbol like the Aquarius symbol. maybe the letter M.

i always have a thing for my wrist -- pulse points to be exact. like, i feel like it's the sexiest part of me. and not like beautiful kind of sexy (that would be my eyes *wink*). it's like, i like the sensations i get when someone touches me there. such a turn on. haha.

at first i didn't notice my interest until someone pointed out that i love writing things down on my wrist. or drawing something on it. i just like the feel of ink on my skin right at the pulse point. gives me great pleasure that i can't even comprehend, much less explain.

and as for the design, each of the symbol i'm thinking of has a meaning to it.

my signature - i am my own brand; i own myself.
small stars - to remind myself of my dreams and that i will achieve them one day, also to remind me that i am a rockstar in my own right. :)
Aquarius symbol - i believe that i'm a true blue Aquarius. even  though i hate to admit it, i'm so obsessed with horoscopes.
the letter M - my initial, the letter that embodies me. i love the letter so much that i actually have a secret wish to find myself a husband with the same initial and have all my kids' names start with the letter M. heheh.
3001 - my birthday date. don't know why i like it, i just do.

but alas, religion and social stigma kept me from getting one.

fuck.

dumps.

argh. had 5 days of bliss without having to think about work... then comes back to all sorts of crazy shits, fuck, i think i was near to a nervous breakdown. back to day one, where everything is a blank.

in the end i left work with some work still unsettled. gets called from ward about those unsettled workloads, but i can't give a fuck anymore. my body hurts, it's been hurting for the past couple of days. my heart hurts because HE is on call. i just want to fucking sleep and never have to wake up again. but i can't. i have to wake up tomorrow... at 5.30am to be exact. the fact that i'm switching from PM to AM shift is not helping.


some days i feel like i need psychotherapy, and this is one of those days.

random ME fact.

despite my work as a nurse, i actually hate going to visit people in the hospital.

partly because being a nurse, i know how fucking annoying patients' visitors can be. "uh, nurse, the IV drip is not dripping," "erm, can you help to change the clothes, it's a tad bit dirty," "hey, can i get some pain meds? i have a headache,"
seriously people. sometimes i feel like flipping people off whenever visitors approach me during visiting hours. like, go fucking fuck fuck yourself. if the guy is not dying then he's fine.

and another part is the gloominess that hospitals always have. i hate it. it's almost as if i feel like whomever that i go to visit at the hospital is having some sort of a terminal illness that they can never overcome, and they will just end up in the morgue. i know, morbid thoughts. but it's just this weird thing i can't get rid off my brain.

Crazy?

there are moments in life where i question my sanity. the fact that i seem to think and behave differently compared to others. but maybe I've matured, maybe i'm just tired of questioning myself, but now i embraced who i am. i'll be whatever the fuck that makes me happy.

Rules of life.

Hmm..

God.

back in the game.

yeah..

so, abstinence has never been my best quality. i can't ever stay away from things i like, even when i know it's flat out bad.

and so, yeah, the whole sexting thing is.. back on. with a vengeance. lol.

at least i'm being honest to myself. that's important to me. :)

when the game comes to an end..

alright. game's over. though i must admit it had been fun, in the end i grow some sort of conscience. we can't keep on playing these games. i can't keep on playing these games. it's dangerous for both of us.

especially realizing that i'm only going to end up hurting myself if i go on.

so i told him that we had to stop what we were doing.

not gonna deny it, i'm going to miss it. i don't think i'll ever have someone who can entertain my wildest fantasies and not judge me for them.

and, going back to work on Wednesday is going to be awkward.

hi stranger.

i always gravitate towards the rebels of society. well, okay, maybe not rebels, but rather the ones that don't quite conform -- the quirky ones. maybe because i feel like i am one of those types of people. i don't like to conform, i like my quirks even when others say i'm odd for doing or liking what i like.

i always take things at face value. sometimes you hear things people say about someone, and when you finally met the person, you find that what was said was totally untrue, rather the person is just misinterpreted in his/her ways. which is something i can totally relate to. so i do try to not judge someone just by hearsay. i always based myself to the person that see. maybe somewhere down the road it ends up true what was said of the person, but i would rather find it out on my own.

just another night shift...

so, i worked the night shift last night. and just so happen Dr Tall, Dark & Handsome is on call.

long story short,

true story.

and no, i did not have sex or anything like that with this dude. pretty close to, though.

Juniors

woot! woot!~

the new intake nurses are finally in!

so that means i have juniors now. yeay! and one of them was my junior from JB nursing college. :)

but having juniors has its downside. since i'm no longer a junior, i can't make mistakes, no one will have my back now.. the little birdie have been kicked from the comfy and secure nest and has to roam the sky on it's own.. plus, there's the pressure of having to teach the juniors, and making sure that you don't teach them the wrong thing.. scary, considering that i think i'm still a fucking retard when it comes to settling my work.

haih.

what do you hate most about your job?

i remembered back when i first started working, my mum would constantly ask me, "how's your job?" each time i came back for the weekends. God, i hated that question. it always managed to trigger my pent up anger. i would always answer the question with curt, sharp words in anger, telling her that i hate everything about my job, only stopping short of saying out loud how i only wanted to fucking die just so that i won't have to go back to working life. though i think she probably could read my mind.

then came this one time, she asked me again, how was work, and again i answered bitterly on how i hated my work, my coworkers, everything about my job.

after a short pause, she told me, "think back on what exactly you hate about your job. if it's the people, realize this: people comes and goes. there's always someone moving away, being transferred, someone retiring, or even you could be moved away from those people. so just keep going, ignore the people who tries to bring you down, for they are just threatened for the greatness that they know you can achieve."

and i thought hard. sure, i hate the job itself to begin with, but the people i worked with that made it hell for me. and it's true, they are just trying to bring me down because i had an advantage over them -- my English skill.

and so, with my mum's words of wisdom in mind, i stayed strong. and recently i received the amazing news that my number one anti-fan, someone i affectionately nicknamed Bitchy Co-worker, had been transferred to a different ward. this is the person that had managed to destroy my self-esteem and got me down the destructive path of mild depression at one point. so, having her out of my life is definitely epic. i wanted to throw a fucking bash to celebrate it!

so, thanks for your words of wisdom, mum. i still resent being a nurse, but i'll stay strong. :)

FB deactivation.

due to recent "problems" i encountered on FB, i decided to deactivate my account. consider it as an FB detox programme. :)

so, do contact me by phone for the time being.

"..with eyes so deep i could lose myself in it..."

you tell me i'm beautiful.

and here i am, standing in front of the mirror, and i think you're delusional. i am, far from beautiful.

unlike you.

i don't deserve you.

my sick mind.

i'm the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. i'm very open with my thoughts and emotions, and i like to tell people of things that excites me, or worries me. i would just tell basically anyone that was there, the moment the thought hits me, or the emotion engulfs me.

but the thing is, most of the time i tell people things is not because i want their view, or their advice, and i definitely don't want their judgement of me. because let's face it, things that goes through my mind can be quite out there. i just tell em mostly just to get it off my chest. if my thoughts are wrong and you tell me that it is, i will just make it more wrong.

it's like i just fucking love to torture myself -- putting my thoughts out there, and letting people judge me, then get all mad because people judged me.. :/

Religion

to Mr tall, dark, brooding and handsome.

dear you,

this could just be a passing infatuation, and this feels so wrong that nothing could make it right.

but i want to fuck your fucking brains out.

so please stop being so fucking sexy and smart, and charming. and please stop having this amazing fucking chemistry with me. and stop being sexy. stop it i say.

you're driving me fucking mad.

with love,
me.

Forgive me, for i have sinned.

sigh.

how did this got to what it is? stooped wayy too low.

fuck.

i'll just say this flat out. sexting.

GOD!

i feel despicable. i mean, i did a LOT of despicable things, but this, is just too much for me.

sure, he's a damn sexy guy. and suuuuuuuureeee, i'm a fucking hormonal chick. but..

i need to breathe.

i work with this dude. it's so fucking wrong on so many levels.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i need GOD right now.

Broke.

Having the weekends off sucks big time, especially when you're fucking broke. like seriously. all i have in my pockets is lint. oh payday, please arrive soon.

too much "emergency spending" this month. April, be kind to me.

kids.

i'll be honest. i'm not the biggest kid-loving chick out there. though let me be clear, i still do think of having a couple of my own one day (i hope that will be a distant future..) just to know what kind of parent i would make, but still, sometimes i see annoying, spoilt kids, this goes through my brain.

i'm a firm believer of tough love and discipline on kids, it'll do them a world of good when they don't grow up to be stupid douchebags, y'know.

revenge.

So, I'm Not Just Being Paranoid.

"she hates us, both of us. and i'm not just making up stories, a few others noticed it too... your own mentor told me the other day to watch out because Bitchy Senior Co-Worker is aiming for us."

those were the words told by a colleague as we were on our way home together just recently. she's a junior as i am and we both had endured the same type of hell from Bitchy Senior Co-Worker ever since we started working.

Thank God! there's someone else out there who is just as tortured as i am! all this time, i thought i was the only one being stepped on, and even blamed myself for being exceptionally stupid to get bullied like hell.

but hey, how come my own mentor never acknowledged the fact that i'm being aimed by BSCW in front of me? at least it'll not make me feel like a paranoid freak.

Time.

it's funny how time works on characters.

over the weekends i had the chance to hang out with an old acquaintance from my A-level years. it's been so long since we saw each other, but we chatted like we're close friends that see each other everyday. and he's still the same guy as i remembered - super nice, a gentleman, and still loves to remind everyone that he's Hindustani, not Tamil. haha. makes me smile every time.

on the other hand, randomly found the profile page of another acquaintance from my A-level years. back then, he was the geeky boy that tried too hard to impress others. had that classic image of an overachieving Asian kid -- geeky specs, thin-ass frame, clean-cut image. but as i quietly stalk his profile, oh boy has he changed. no more geeky specs (learnt how to put on contacts? Lasik, maybe?), definitely more muscle on that body, lip piercings, cigarettes, electric guitar. he oozes the laid-back, bad boy charm now. oh wow.

i'm fascinated at the thought that years can go by and a person could still be the same, while others would have made a one-eighty turn in characters in the same length of time. i wonder, have i changed? or am i still the same?

hmm.

Bitchy Senior Co-Worker has been oddly nice these days. no more snide remarks sent my way, offering to buy food, heck, even affectionately called me "adik" as opposed to referring to me strictly by my full name.

it's weird.

suspicious, in fact.

i feel like something's up...

meow

meow.

and I get Paid to...

Sometimes, I don't think I deserve the pay I receive.

As a nurse, I do get paid to care.

But most of the time, heck, 99.99% of the time, I don't give a fuck about the people. Oh, wow, you're in pain? Do i give a shit? NO. You could be rotting in a drain somewhere and I wouldn't give a hoot. :/

Laziness.

i've spent 3 whole days waking up superbly late (actually slept till 4.30pm one day), and going to bed at 3-4am, and not having to think about work. it was heaven.

and now, i'm feeling intensely lazy. even though my work starts at 2 pm, waking up at 11.30am was quite a struggle.

sigh.

Jaded.

so here i am, alone in KL for the weekend. the older sister and family decided to go back to Seremban to show off their new family car.

despite having the weekend off, i did not go back to Seremban. the last time i went back, i regretted it, and swore to never come back to Seremban again. well, i'm just joking, of course i would still go back there. just not now. i don't know, not too sure why, but there's this huge disappointment, this jaded feeling in me that turned me off about the town.

maybe i'm just selfish, but i feel somewhat angry and annoyed whenever i feel like I've been left out and out of loop of any new stories. working in kl, not making OR retaining any friends here, and all the while seeing the closest people having fun without you back at home -- it makes me sad. it feels like i'm being outcasted. and it adds to the painful loneliness in me. i know, i'm terribly selfish, it's impossible to keep you guys from hanging out just because i'm not there, but it hurts to see the people that matters to you enjoying themselves without you.

and again, maybe i'm just selfish, but i have this mindset that since i'm rarely home anymore, it should be like i'm a guest when i do come home. plus, i'm only in Seremban when i'm having my holidays, which is what it should be. A HOLIDAY. obviously i don't go all the way back to Seremban just to wash dishes and do the laundry or clean the toilet. so, yeah, the fact that i get told around to do chores do irks me.

and finally, i feel that it's hugely unfair to me that every time i want to see all these people that matters so much to me, i am the one who has to go through all the trouble to go back to Seremban to see them, only to do the same old thing (Seremban doesn't have much to offer in terms of places to go) over and over again. it's always karaoke, or eating, either at Jusco S2 or McD Senawang, or Pappa rich. and truth be told, i'm fucking sick of those places. and i'm fucking sick of doing all the driving and travelling. when will it be the turn that i get to seat at the passenger side, without using my fuel, without me having to decide on where we should go? when?? when will it be the time that you guys (assuming that i matter to you as much as you matter to me) would want to do the travelling all the way from Seremban to KL just to meet and hang out with me instead?

i know, my requests for you guys to come and see me instead of me going to see you, and my suggestions to do something other that eating and paying to sit in a dark room fell on deaf ears, and maybe even seem like a freaking joke. but it's not to me. i'm fucking sick. of being alone, of being out of loop of everything, of making the desperate efforts to not fall into oblivion.

work bargain.

"March - the month with no public holidays"

mneh. does not apply to me. just seen my work schedule for the first 2 weeks of March:

work 2 nights, get 3 days holiday.

work 5 days, get another 5 days holiday.

me likey. :D

*smirk*

to Bitchy Senior Co-worker and Ward Sister who always complain that i don't speak up as much as i should,

So True.

Challege Accepted.

Bitchy Senior Coworker decided to leave a number of unsettled workload yesterday. one of which is to discharge a patient in which the order was "allow discharge once discussed with specialist in charge". She told me the MO was going to call the specialist. but then when i asked the MO, i got the gratis asshole-ish reply of "tak dengar betul-betul ke, kan pagi tadi dah kata, you all pun boleh call specialist... hish.".

sure, anyone can call the specialist. but you have to understand, specialists are usually divas who only want to talk to fellow doctors. so it's very rare that they want to talk to us humble nurses.

being the rookie nurse that i am, i asked other senior nurses about my predicament. one of the seniors, with a glint her eyes, told me, "ala, call je lah, ko speaking2 sikit, mesti dia okay je. specialist ko tu kerek sikit je, takde la garang sangat pun. lagipun nak gak dengar ko speaking..." damn. what is it with peoples' fascinations with my english?! oh, whatevs. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

so, taking in a few deep breath, said a few prayers, and dialed the specialist number. called the specialist, discussed about the patient and the decision to discharge him, got the confirmation i needed, all while speaking in perfect english (and i added a bit of american accent just for fun), and hang up.

work done. LIKE A BOSS. *smirk*

Get Over Yourself

you know those people who post things like "Hukum Memakai Bulu Mata palsu dan Maskara", "Haram Minum Coca Cola", "Haram Hukumya Bercinta Sebelum Berkahwin"... etc, etc, on FB??

yeah... FUCKING ANNOYING!!!

most of the time, the people who post these things are not even religious in real life. i'm just assuming that they're trying to be perceived as someone with "religion" in them. and i'd say, tak payah lah. entah2 kau pun sama je. dok post "jangan minum coca cola" lepas tu keluar pergi makan kat McD yang serve coke jugak tu. :/

The Day of Boys. i mean, Men.

ahh, it's another wonderful day at work. sure, as predicted, the admissions came pouring in. but still, in manageable numbers. :)

today, Mr Sweetface in the specialist on call. i've been anticipating to see his cute face for days. haha. unusual of a specialist on call, he came pretty early to work today. a good thing, gives us an earlier start for the day, which means work gets settled faster too. yeay!

it could have been the holiday mood, but he makes for a relaxing ward round. nothing rushed, he talks softly and politely, made a couple of jokes and was very casual.

and i like that. A LOT. like, i'm totally crushing on him right now.

too bad he's happily married. :/

aw, let's move on. i also work the same shift as my one and only male colleague in the ward today. now this one, is the shy, quiet type.. which i totally dig. but after getting to know him the past few months, i can tell he has a naughtier side with a great sense of humor. and that's always a good thing in my book. however, since he's the shy, quiet type, and i'm also the shy, quiet type, i found it quite a struggle to make conversations with him. damn. i would just smile stupidly and blush whenever he talks to me, especially when he uses a lower tone of voice and calls me "Lia". damn, i have to hold myself back just so that i won't jump on top of him and bite him -- cause he's so damn sexayy when he does that. so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so...... sexay. ahahaha.

last but not least, my work day ends with.... "the knight in shining armor". well, he's more like the knight on the shining super bike. hehehhh. the one that i really hoped and wished would be hopelessly into me, but is sadly taken. i don't even know why i want him so badly. i mean, i know -- he's got awesome good looks (good genes for the kids!), that damn super bike is so fucking sexy even if i hate bikes, he's charmingly reserved yet friendly, and, he's not all touchy, clingy and needy like other guys i've dated. he seems like the perfect choice to take home to mom, and all these made me want him. we went out together once, and the date was boring as hell. we had no common interest but i still my heart yearns for him. after that one date i found out he's taken by some random girly girl who is a total opposite of me, and i was crushed. i still am. so bumping into him on my way back to the car was not the best part of my day, and yet i'm still glad i saw him. him, putting on his helmet, preparing to get on his super sexy bike. probably on his way to a hot date. SIGH. why do i like to torture myself, i don't even know. a small part of me still hopes that it would turn out that he's actually single -- he just placed the "in a relationship" status on his FB page to mean how much he loves his bike, the girl who calls him 'hubby' in all of those annoying comments is just a desperate loser that he happens to tolerate, and i hope and hope and HOPE that deep inside, he's fucking crazy about me but he's just too shy to tell me.

hahaha, i know, i'm just being delusional. there's no way that can be true.

get up and walk away from it all

ever since i got my laptop back with me, it has been Facebook madness for me. 24/7 Facebooking. not that i have a lot of friends to keep up with, and to chat with. i just hate the feeling of missing out on things. whenever the laptop is off, i'd be like, "did she poke me back already?" "i wonder how many likes i got on my last status update..." "...is he online? what if he's waiting for me to chat with him?"

God, i'm just plain anal about it.

and i'm tired of wanting to know. i'm tired of just KNOWING every single detail of each and every one of my FB acquaintances.. and most of them are not even people i'm personally close with in real life. i'm still addicted to it like a crack whore to crack, but at the same time i'm just bored of my mind. i want to do something else beside sitting in front of my laptop, stalking peoples' pages and criticizing whatever updates they had. i felt shallow and empty inside. like my life revolves around these updates that doesn't even matter to me.

i just wanna get up, turn off the computer, get out of the house and just do something else. something other than obsessing on updates. i want to take a walk at the park. i want to see the sky. look at trees.

the thing is though, anyone out there who wants to do these things with me...? sigh, everyone's too busy getting wrapped up in their status updates and poke wars.

realizing that i'm not a robot.

today was a good day at work. had only 3 patients.. yeay! god i hope every day is like this. but that's just a stupid wish. tomorrow the admission is going to be endless for sure. with the holidays season coming to an end, there goes the small number of patients.

met an amazing specialist today.. no, not like the super hot, macho kind of amazing. in my years in the hospitals, sure, i've met one or two good, polite doctors. it's always a nice surprise to see such people. doctors i know are mostly jerks. mostly.

the guy is an Orthopedic surgeon coming to review a referred patient from our ward. so as per usual, it's supposed to be my job to stand next to any doctor reviewing patients just to look pretty (and also do petty things that they can actually do themselves, such as closing drapes or dispense hand sanitizer onto their palms). i was surprised though, when the specialist kept talking to me about the patient's condition in such a manner that it seems like we're in a discussion, or rather he's my med lecturer.

i like that. the guy treats me like i actually have a brain. i learnt a few things, and that made me super happy. usually doctors would just blurt out whatever decisions or opinions that they have, and you're supposed to just accept it-no questions asked. to know the logic behind his opinion and decision, it gives me a clearer picture. i get to ask him a few questions, and he answered back nicely and politely. for a moment i have a crush on him. i always had a thing for great conversationalist who are polite. :) but oh forget it. he looks like the kind of guy who's married with 3 teenage kids.

oh well. it was still nice. i feel like a real healthcare professional today. :D

we have nothing in common, but i want you.

dear knight in shining armor, why can't you see that i want you? do you want me? or are you just playing? or am i overanalyzing your friendliness?

sigh. getting to know guys can be so tough.