rich girl, poor girl

the older sister invited me to follow her to an investment workshop as a replacement of her husband who couldn't make it today.

to be honest, i had other plans, that is a friend's wedding. buuuut, with my bank account reaching to nil while my credit card reaching its max, and the fact that following the sister is means nil on spending (she even pays for the food! yay!), i opted for the workshop.

hee, i know, i'm awesomely smart at cost saving.

so anyways, there i was, somewhat uninterested and very sleepy (i had to get up at 6am and left home at 7.15am on a Sunday. anyone would start a rally...) at the workshop which was at some lame hotel somewhere in shah alam, i think, looking around skeptically at the crowd of people who attended. the participants were 100% malay. now now, i don't mean to be racist to my own kind, but let's just admit that Malays are not the smartest in investments. in fact, i'll be really honest  here, for the first hour or so of the beginning of the workshop, i really believed i was lured into joining an MLM / Ponzi scheme gathering. especially seeing that the speakers (and some of the participants) acting too hyped up and kept overusing those damn annoying motivational lines ("kalau anda mahu kaya angkat tangan and say 'i'!!")

urgh. (=.=)

but as the day progressed, i found that it's very enlightening. an eye-opener really. i felt like finally having that parent to child talk about money. finally knowing all those things you should know (but never thought of asking) about money. how much of our salary to keep as savings, how to make a financial portfolio, the importance of side income and passive income, the three most profitable investments -- house, gold and stock shares, and how to invest in each the smart way.

now, only very recently have i realized that i came from a family that knows nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing about financial planning. my parents never taught me anything at all about savings and the importance of money. sure, my mum set up a bank account for each of my siblings and put in bits of her money in those accounts each month and had those accounts given to us to manage by ourselves when each of us reached the age of 18... or 12, can't quite recall now... but, i never remembered her telling us explicitly what to do with that account. we were also quite well-off back when i was young, and the fact that my dad came from a poor family probably made him pamper us too much when he had money. when we were in school, we received allowance money for school lunches each month. supposedly to teach us how to manage our own spending. looking back, it's quite redundant as we could always just ask for more money when we ran out, and we also receive a separate spending money whenever we go out with friends. didn't teach me anything about smart spending, i'd say. it also didn't help that i never understood the difference between wants and needs as a child. everything i wanted was a need. everything i needed was a want. so needless to say, that little bank account i was handed to? drained to nil in no time when i finally learnt how to go to a bank to withdraw money.

yeah, that was how bad my financial education and management was.

fast forward to when i started working. imagine little me, fresh graduate and just started on the working life, with absolutely no money in my accounts. but i didn't realize there's something wrong yet. ah well, yea yea i know, we have to save some money each month for the future yadda yadda... but i never knew how much to keep. as long as there's something in there, right? so... that means, i'll keep RM10 in my bank and the rest is for partying! yeay! *pats self on the back*

fast forward some more, 2 years and a half and i still have that same RM10 in my bank account while the rest is out partying. lets add a credit card to the mix. DEBTS. woo hoo.

okay, okay, so RM10 in my bank account is a bit overkill... i have la, about a few hundred untouched in that childhood account, and like, RM100 in my current one just to keep the account active while i wait for the monthly salary. but nothing more. nothing. nil. ilek.

this shit never bothered me until recently everyone (by everyone i just mean the bestie and the older sister) starting to get into the home buying trend. being classic me *eyeroll*, i must have what other people have. must. have. or go to hell. yeah, that's just me. so obviously i got into this whole house buying craze. started looking up every swanky apartments i see, searching up the price and dreaming of living the city life in a swanky apartment. however, my dreams was shattered, or rather, halted, after consulting the older sister (who has been attending classes on property in preparation to buy her own house) and the bestie. i remembered distinctly feeling my heart sinks when my older sister told me "lia, don't buy out of emotions. you may like the house and is head over heels with it, but calculate first how much you are making, and deduct your expenses e.g. car, food, gas, savings and such... now do you still have the money for the monthly fee?" then feeling it sinks further by the bestie's quiet question of "you know that the bank ain't gonna pay 100% of the house right... you have to pay 10% of the house yourself... and that's not even included the lawyer fees and shits... you have to have at least 15 to 30k in your bank for that..."

i hit the realization that... i have nothing. absolutely nothing. and i can't buy a house on nothing. meanwhile, i'm chasing time, taking mortgage time and also the fact that home prices are gonna get higher and higher into consideration. i need to buy a house now, but i can't, because i have nothing. i was indeed shattered.

but then i came for the workshop. basically what i get from it is the three most profitable investments are gold, stock shares and property. and each has its own strength. invest in gold because gold is an easily liquidated asset. if one is in need of a quick emergency cash, just sell the gold. invest in stock shares because it actually doesn't cost much if you pick the right thing to invest in. (i like the tip of buying shares on things of necessities, such as TNB, astro or LGM, as the price will only go up if a crisis strike. and did you know that it only costs between nil to RM10 to register at a broker? neither did i.)invest in property, well everyone knows this one... property price will never ever ever ever go down.

for me though, the take home message is that, before i start investing, i have to have my finance in check. ensure that i have a steady amount of savings (30% is what they suggested). look for ways to generate side income, and create an account for my side income. keep track of what goes in and what goes out. minimize unnecessary splurge (well, let's just put it out there that zero-ing that is fucking impossible... girl loves her fancy thangs.) only then can i start investing. and my first investment? a house, of course! well, now that i know the basic of gold and stock shares investment too, maybe one day i can dabble in those too... you know, for duit dapur as they say. ;)

wish me luck, hoping for a smarter, and richer me soon.

ups and downs of the past weeks

one has to fall to the deepest end before she can rise again.

the couple of weeks past has been overwhelming.

synopsis : was heartbroken over what i thought a small misunderstanding, vowed to get over the toxic man and the toxic relationship, coincidentally received news of being transferred to a different department, had a Farewell Party/Liberated Girl party only to end up so fucking drunk that i threw up cranberry vodka all over the toilet at Butter Factory and making drunken calls to the toxic man begging him to forgive me--fucking regrettable i may admit. started work at swanky new department only to have serious incompatibility issues with the new boss. hates new department to the point that i'm willing to spend lunch hours back at old place and help out at the old place. got fucking depressed. tried one last attempt at patching up what's left of the toxic relationship but he refused me any room to explain myself, decided that i'll just walk away from him even with the unresolved issues.

and when i decided that i don't care anymore, did things finally start to become better. i have felt somewhat liberated (before that damn cranberry vodka came into my system and fuck things up). but now i'm really, really, truly liberated. carefree. refocus on work. needed all the focus to not get into a fight with the new boss (who irks me half to death). so far managed to control my usually explosive temper and cooperate with her. (yeay!). deleted all of the toxic man's messages, restricted him from seeing me on FB and also restricted my view of him on FB. lived a peaceful life without him, until one morning randomly awaken by a Whatsapp message from him saying "we will always be friends, :)". replied with a heartless "OK" and continued my life without him.

sure, we can be friends. * eye-roll*

and today would have to be one of the best of days that I've had in a while. finally blend in with the new colleagues, ate and ate and ate and ate till i can't eat anymore, started my day with a prayer, and managed to exercise as i had planned. a bit of sweat and a whole lotta endorphin. :) made me happy as fuck, and i feel all loose and relaxed. it's a good day, a good day indeed.

light in the dark.

after all that had happened, the timing couldn't be better. i need a new start. make new friends. get out from this department and all of its scandals. get myself rid of the stench of affairs with that toxic man.

maybe it's a sign. that this is really what i should do. now that i got the ball rolling, everything else just falls into place.

Thank you,God.

i received a news today that i'm going to be transferred to the clinics. whether it's an inter-departmental move or i'll be changed to a different department altogether, i'm still unsure. but what's certain is that i will no longer be in the Urology-Nephrology Wards.

the news certainly came as a surprise. and i'm very saddened that it has to come just about when i'm starting to love this damned ward. just as i started to get used to the chaos and hecticity.

but as it sinks in, as i gave it more thought, i'm thankful. very very thankful. i'm reaching a point where i can no longer trust the people i was friends with in the department. maybe it would be good for me to meet new people, make new friends.

plus, working in the clinics means that i'll be working on office hours. awesome for me, since i am planning to continue my studies as a part-time student, and needs the free weekends anyway.

again, I thank you, my dear God. :)

Me: Bachelor Degree student?

when i first started working, i told myself (and my mom) that i see myself working for a year, and then i will start pursuing my degree, and maybe after that, God willing, a masters' degree.

one year. that was my plan.

but when i started working, i discovered that the hecticity of life in the hospital proves to be too much to handle. i had a lot to learn, and the transition into working life kind of took a little to long to settle. life was a little too chaotic to juggle as it was, it would be crazy to add further study into the mix.

but now, one and a half years after, i think it's a good time to get back to my initial plan. maybe the timeline's a bit off, but it's ok.

after much contemplation, i finally decided to open the Open University website, fill up the online application form, and hit submit. so there.

so they are saying i'm technically in, all i have to do now is submit all the necessary paperworks and payments within 2 weeks and i'll be a Bachelor Degree in Nursing Science student.

oh. my. God. can i handle it? juggling the working life with a study life? i'm definitely nervous. it's gonna be hard, but it's got to be done... i definitely don't plan on being stuck in this rank forever.

be strong Muzlia, this is all for your own good. :)

done.

well well well.

lookie who decided to pop back into my life. Mr Tall, Dark and Sexter.

what happened? tired of being pussy-whipped by your ugly-ass fiancee? your strings of other chicks got sick and tired of your sex-and-awkward-moments ways? missed me now that you're not getting any?

so you reappeared in my life, pretending to be a "friend" and asking how i'm doing.

i'm doing MIGHTY fine without you, thank you.

but your true colours show. asking if i missed you, reminding me of "special" moments we shared. pffft. mind you, ain't nothing "special" we shared.

so guess what. i'm not going to entertain you. enjoy playing with your hand. bet you'll enjoy lots of "special" moments together. :)

2013

another year, another shot at a new beginning, right?

and soooooooo, like always, i'm not one to keep a new year's resolution (i can never fulfill it if i have one), but rather just hope and work on making life just a little sweeter day by day.

after all, tomorrow is just another day. have a good New Year's celebration everyone. i'm gonna be working. :)

and oh, yeah, here's to hoping 2013 will be full of success for me, less of the drama and the emotional roller coaster.

fingers crossed, 13 is a lucky number this time.

cheers!

Hospital Scandal

recently during a dinner outing with friends who are not in the healthcare business, a friend asked me "so, got any scandals ah in your hospital?"

i just gave a meaningful smile and said "got..... too much scandal lah."

my mind drifted to the time when i was telling a close friend of a case of who-sleeping-with-who a few months back. the friend remarked "wow, who would've thought there's so much going on in a hospital??"

yeah, who would've thought. even i didn't realize it until i started working and got involved in my own share of scandalous affairs. (lol!)

no wonder there are people out there inspired to make dramas such as Grey's Anatomy and General Hospital. the hospital really is a place full of steamy love affairs. everyone's screwing everyone else.

come to think of it, the people in the hospital are probably more dedicated at getting themselves laid than making the sick people well again. *shrugs* well at least i am.

so far, i've heard stories of: consultants fucking fellow consultants, consultant fucking the MO (that's Medical Officer, or general doctor for the layman), consultants who has converted religion due to polygamy (but still has the first wife, and she's still in her religion, don't know how that works), MOs getting penalized for sexual harassment to fellow MOs, MOs acting like sluts, MOs fucking staff nurses (well that's really typical), staff nurses offering themselves as sex slaves for money, MOs hiding the fact that he's recently married just so he can use his good looks to charm the pants off pretty much every female staff in the department, MOs with sex addiction problems who goes for prostitutes whenever he has the chance, MOs and ward attendants doing drugs together on hospital grounds, drug dealers among the staffs....

oh God, there's just so many deep dark stories hidden within the hospital walls. and it's not even crappy shit like ghost sightings. i think knowing things that goes on in the building, even ghost are appalled.

if i make the stories i've heard and write a story about it, damn, i'd give those hospital-themed dramas on tv a run for their money.....

perception vs reality.

Nurses.

angels on earth. dedicating ourselves to healing the sick. girls want to be us, mothers wants us as daughters and daughters-in-law. men wants us as their wives and mother for their children.

little girls want to be nurses because we seem like angels, so pure in our white uniforms, taking great care of the sick and the elderly with that serene smile on our faces, and looking oh-so-beautiful with our little nurse cap, pink lips and hair neatly tucked into a bun.

mothers wants us as their daughters because we are capable of caring for so many patients in the ward day after day, so it would only be natural for us to be able to care for our families. we can take great care of our mothers when they are old and ailing, we know exactly what to do when our child is down with a fever. and we'll always love them with that smile on our faces that you so often do see at the hospitals.

for the men, we are only the most perfect combination of sexiness and purity. pink cheeks, scarlet lips, hair in a perfect bun, that body-con uniforms and the idea that we can inflict only so much delicious pain combined with the angelic smile, our soft voice asking them how they are feeling and trying our best to make them feel at rest and always so ready to cater to their every whim. a vision of heaven in white. all they want to do is mess up that perfect bun, unbutton the uniform and unleash the devil from inside of those "angels".


but alas, the reality is far from beautiful. we are no angels. the serene smile you see is forced, it is a part of the job. we are after all in the business of service. makeup is taught, after all to be cared for by someone who looks sicker than you are is off-putting.

we spent our day caring for virtual unknowns day in and day out, with our hectic work schedules, caring for others is the last thing on our mind when we get off work. yes, we know your sickness and we know what to do, but we're just too tired to care. we have to take care of ourselves too. and most days we just don't have the time to spare to actually care for anyone else outside of work. we are too busy to care for strangers to have the time for our own family. the serene smile and patience? every drop of it have been drained at the hospital, i'm afraid. as soon as the card is punched out, gone is the smile, our shoulders slump and everyone is an annoyance.

yes, we are sexy, but that could also mean that we are potentially the biggest sluts you could ever meet. we know men are clamoring for our attention. the smile on our faces is a knowing smile, we know when you have fallen for our looks and charms. cater to your every whim? once you get ensnared, you're the one who will be catering to our wants and needs, only to be left behind when we fall for a playboy male doctor--the only being that turns us on. "how are you feeling, sir?" when you have been used up and left behind? not so nice ain't it? too bad there won't be a hospital for broken hearts.

going, going, gone.

the patient that was cursed out by my junior colleague recently, the one when she said the infamous line of "kalau nak mampus, mampus je la, jangan menyusahkan orang" -- he died today.

unfortunately, dah nak mampus pun still menyusahkan orang. he asked (more like ordered) for us to do vacuum suctioning of his phlegm, which nobody entertained. he refused to put on his oxygen mask, then proceed to lodge a complaint to the specialist on call about nobody wanting to do suctioning for him. Mr Specialist pulak cuma kenal nama i, laju je nak panggil "Muz, patient wants suction," padahal bukan patient aku.. banyak je kerja lain den nak buat.. i'm busy with my own post op patients.

so another junior colleague had to attend to him. elok je on the suction machine, his oxygen saturation dropped, terus flat. terus bungkus2, hantar pi mortuary. kesian the junior colleague, tak pasal2 je kena balik pukul 4 to settle his mortuary and death cert arrangements.

Goodbye.

you gave me the best night i ever wanted... until you say those words.

we had superb fun. candlelit dinner, you indulged me in anything i wanted. bar hopping, yummy cocktail shots one after another, and another, and another.. and awesome, awesome mind blowing sex.

you asked me what was my best sex. i told you it was tonight. i did not lie.

i was happy. elated. so amazingly on cloud nine.

until you told me tonight is goodbye. until you gave me that shit speech that it's unlike you to say goodbye in the first place. that you usually simply walk away. that it's your nature to move on and forget things, however significant they are to you.

i feigned a smile. i nodded in understanding. i joked that i hoped you won't miss me. i looked away as you gave your shit speech, tried to blink away tears that threatened to jeopardize my calm composure.

we kissed. then you walked away.

i started my car and the dam broke. i can't stop the tears. i can't stop sobbing. i'm fucking amazed i managed to navigate my car home tonight. i had to sit in my car and just sat and sobbed, my whole body shaking. i went into my room and just broke down. choking on tears i can't cry out.

i never knew someone could break my stone cold heart. i never knew that someone would be you.

pembantu fucking tadbir.

eiiiiiiii sakitnya hatiiiiiiii.

you're a fucking petty clerk, and you're picking fights with me? wow, so fucking big of you.

well well miss you-think-you're-perfect-in-everything-you-do, your work is a piece of shit too, and you can bet your fucking ass i'll have that piece of ass of your all toasted up.

picking fucking fights with the wrong fucking bitch. you're so fucking goin to fucking die. you and your fucking ugly fucking kid. no wonder your husband left you, you fucking piece of shit.

Death.

i've been in the healthcare sector for 4 years plus now (including my studying years in nursing college), and although we were taught and reminded to be sympathetic and empathetic towards the patients, i have to say, facing sickness, despair and death every single day does desensitize one from emotions.

with me being an emotionally detached person to begin with, there are moments that i wonder if i'm not normal for not being able to put myself in my patients' shoes.

and the moment that i feel most awkwardly not normal is when faced with death, or an impending death of a patient. i know enough social graces to keep a serious face when in the company of weeping family members, but i just can't be sympathetic. yes, i know, you're sad and all, someone's gonna die, but i still got to settle my work, so, please all 30 of you, stop gathering round here and get the fuck outta my face. this is not some shit tv drama where you can go ask any fucking staff of the prognosis and they will entertain you so you can do more of your dramatic weeping.

and, another thing, although it is not really my place to say, i have yet to find the light to repentance, and may i say this is strictly my own personal thought and observations, regardless of race and religions, people almost always only look for God when faced with death. you have one patient pronounced DIL NAR (that's Dangerously Ill List - No Active Resuscitation -- meaning if the patient collapse, the patient and family have decided to let it be and request for no CPR to be done to save the patient) then BAM, you'll suddenly see the whole "kampung", which you never seen even one of the face throughout the patient's stay in ward. suddenly there will be mass prayers, the Tok Imams and the priests will suddenly appear at patient's bedside.

i always wonder, why is that so? if you never looked for God before, you think scrambling for Him at that point will suddenly save your life? now, i'm not saying that it's wrong, for each their own, but well, it's fascinating how humans reach frantically for solace and peace only when it's no longer salvageable.

death and the human reaction to it. it's a really fascinating thing.

statement membunuh of the day

a junior colleague of mine had to deal with crazy hecticities the past couple of days, with her team having the most number of patients, critical ones at that. among them was one Neurosurgical (a.k.a Psy ward) patient admitted for pulling off his urinary tubing, causing trauma to his urethra.

so this guy came in from Emergency Dept with sudden drop of blood pressure, bleeding from his pee pee causing lack of blood in his system. a lot of plans were laid out for him, making being in charge of the guy a very taxing task.

as it goes, during one of those busy moments, the junior colleague was overheard saying, "kalau nak mampus tu mampus je lah, jangan menyusahkan orang."

woah. very the statement membunuh.

but i can't judge her. i'd admit that i've once or twice have said that too. and i think it's a pretty popular saying in the medical world, especially when dealing with stupid people and their stupid acts.

so, yeah, if you ever thought of committing suicide or something like that, do remember,

KALAU NAK MAMPUS TU JANGAN LAH MENYUSAHKAN ORANG.

have a good day everyone. :)

holidays...

i wanna go for a holiday.. like a real, go off to an island or someplace and really just not think about work. just take a slow walk by the beach, enjoying the wind in my hair, then have a nice pampering of sorts - massages, facials, sauna.. god, it'll be heaven.

somehow i kept thinking about Sabah.. i want to go and enjoy the mindblowing seafood.. take a dip in the warm, clear blue waters.. ahhhh. perhaps that'll be a good choice for my first getaway since i started working.

holidays vs. no money.

technically, i got a 2 days off. off work at 3pm on thurs, off on friday and night shift on saturday.

but, alas, i'm so fucking broke that i have to think and rethink any plans of heading to McD.

so this little girl decided to just stay in bed, and do nothing. no wonder people think i'm fucking boring. sleeping is all i do.

So-So-So-Scandalous!

shit. never mix work with pleasure. nothing good ever comes out of it.

but we all know i always do the exact opposite of what i should.

whispers have been heard about us.

from people that aren't supposed to know shit.

oh well, no concrete evidence, deny till the end.

time to put my celeb face up and go with "no comment, i don't know anything of it" mantra.

takes patience to deal with patients.

*me walking past a chinese uncle during work*
Uncle : (muttering something in chinese)
me : (stared at him for a bit, assumed he's muttering something to himself, walks away)

half an hour later

*me walking past the uncle again*
Uncle : (muttering something in chinese, in a louder voice)
Me : (stared back, make a puzzled face, and walked away)

an hour later

*me attending to a patient across his bed*
Uncle : "Misi ah.... (saying something in chinese)
Me : *annoyed, especially since i had been having a busy night*
"APA KE BENDA NYA UNCLE OIIIII. I'm Malay, not Chinese!!!!!! Saya Melayu lahhhhhhhhhhhhh. x paham bahasa cina!!!"
Uncle : oh, bukan cina ah.. (mumbles)
Me : (exasperated, walked away)


y'see, if it's a one time thing, i'd say i'm overreacting to this uncle. but for one, i've been attending to him for the past 2 weeks and he did the same shit every single day. MOTHERFUCKINGFUCK you're senile, old man.

and please, if you ever get admitted to a fucking govt hospital, don't bother calling up for help unless your life depends on it. if one more, i say, one fucking more patient calls me up with that crazy emergency voice only to make me fix their pillow, i'm going to commit murder.

Padwans.

"i don't want to be just another one of your padwans,"

i still wince when reminded of those words he said to me. that hurts. for you to think that i'm the one going around acting like a slut. what don't you get? i don't want any other, i want you.

you told me not to fall for you, and yet, you're playing all this emo shit on me. you know what? for that i'll break my promise just to spite you. i'll fall.

lesson learnt.

when you fuck up ain't nobody gonna have your back.

sigh.

i'm fucking tired of all this already. spent all my energy this past 10 months trying to convince myself i can make it. and at this point there is no more energy left.

i'm exhausted. lethargic. so fucking tired.

i want to just go to sleep and never wake up ever again.

depression 2.0

i fucking need counselling. or get on meds. or quit my job.
either one or ima start killing myself.