Death.

i've been in the healthcare sector for 4 years plus now (including my studying years in nursing college), and although we were taught and reminded to be sympathetic and empathetic towards the patients, i have to say, facing sickness, despair and death every single day does desensitize one from emotions.

with me being an emotionally detached person to begin with, there are moments that i wonder if i'm not normal for not being able to put myself in my patients' shoes.

and the moment that i feel most awkwardly not normal is when faced with death, or an impending death of a patient. i know enough social graces to keep a serious face when in the company of weeping family members, but i just can't be sympathetic. yes, i know, you're sad and all, someone's gonna die, but i still got to settle my work, so, please all 30 of you, stop gathering round here and get the fuck outta my face. this is not some shit tv drama where you can go ask any fucking staff of the prognosis and they will entertain you so you can do more of your dramatic weeping.

and, another thing, although it is not really my place to say, i have yet to find the light to repentance, and may i say this is strictly my own personal thought and observations, regardless of race and religions, people almost always only look for God when faced with death. you have one patient pronounced DIL NAR (that's Dangerously Ill List - No Active Resuscitation -- meaning if the patient collapse, the patient and family have decided to let it be and request for no CPR to be done to save the patient) then BAM, you'll suddenly see the whole "kampung", which you never seen even one of the face throughout the patient's stay in ward. suddenly there will be mass prayers, the Tok Imams and the priests will suddenly appear at patient's bedside.

i always wonder, why is that so? if you never looked for God before, you think scrambling for Him at that point will suddenly save your life? now, i'm not saying that it's wrong, for each their own, but well, it's fascinating how humans reach frantically for solace and peace only when it's no longer salvageable.

death and the human reaction to it. it's a really fascinating thing.