when the game comes to an end..

alright. game's over. though i must admit it had been fun, in the end i grow some sort of conscience. we can't keep on playing these games. i can't keep on playing these games. it's dangerous for both of us.

especially realizing that i'm only going to end up hurting myself if i go on.

so i told him that we had to stop what we were doing.

not gonna deny it, i'm going to miss it. i don't think i'll ever have someone who can entertain my wildest fantasies and not judge me for them.

and, going back to work on Wednesday is going to be awkward.

hi stranger.

i always gravitate towards the rebels of society. well, okay, maybe not rebels, but rather the ones that don't quite conform -- the quirky ones. maybe because i feel like i am one of those types of people. i don't like to conform, i like my quirks even when others say i'm odd for doing or liking what i like.

i always take things at face value. sometimes you hear things people say about someone, and when you finally met the person, you find that what was said was totally untrue, rather the person is just misinterpreted in his/her ways. which is something i can totally relate to. so i do try to not judge someone just by hearsay. i always based myself to the person that see. maybe somewhere down the road it ends up true what was said of the person, but i would rather find it out on my own.

just another night shift...

so, i worked the night shift last night. and just so happen Dr Tall, Dark & Handsome is on call.

long story short,

true story.

and no, i did not have sex or anything like that with this dude. pretty close to, though.

Juniors

woot! woot!~

the new intake nurses are finally in!

so that means i have juniors now. yeay! and one of them was my junior from JB nursing college. :)

but having juniors has its downside. since i'm no longer a junior, i can't make mistakes, no one will have my back now.. the little birdie have been kicked from the comfy and secure nest and has to roam the sky on it's own.. plus, there's the pressure of having to teach the juniors, and making sure that you don't teach them the wrong thing.. scary, considering that i think i'm still a fucking retard when it comes to settling my work.

haih.

what do you hate most about your job?

i remembered back when i first started working, my mum would constantly ask me, "how's your job?" each time i came back for the weekends. God, i hated that question. it always managed to trigger my pent up anger. i would always answer the question with curt, sharp words in anger, telling her that i hate everything about my job, only stopping short of saying out loud how i only wanted to fucking die just so that i won't have to go back to working life. though i think she probably could read my mind.

then came this one time, she asked me again, how was work, and again i answered bitterly on how i hated my work, my coworkers, everything about my job.

after a short pause, she told me, "think back on what exactly you hate about your job. if it's the people, realize this: people comes and goes. there's always someone moving away, being transferred, someone retiring, or even you could be moved away from those people. so just keep going, ignore the people who tries to bring you down, for they are just threatened for the greatness that they know you can achieve."

and i thought hard. sure, i hate the job itself to begin with, but the people i worked with that made it hell for me. and it's true, they are just trying to bring me down because i had an advantage over them -- my English skill.

and so, with my mum's words of wisdom in mind, i stayed strong. and recently i received the amazing news that my number one anti-fan, someone i affectionately nicknamed Bitchy Co-worker, had been transferred to a different ward. this is the person that had managed to destroy my self-esteem and got me down the destructive path of mild depression at one point. so, having her out of my life is definitely epic. i wanted to throw a fucking bash to celebrate it!

so, thanks for your words of wisdom, mum. i still resent being a nurse, but i'll stay strong. :)

FB deactivation.

due to recent "problems" i encountered on FB, i decided to deactivate my account. consider it as an FB detox programme. :)

so, do contact me by phone for the time being.

"..with eyes so deep i could lose myself in it..."

you tell me i'm beautiful.

and here i am, standing in front of the mirror, and i think you're delusional. i am, far from beautiful.

unlike you.

i don't deserve you.

my sick mind.

i'm the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. i'm very open with my thoughts and emotions, and i like to tell people of things that excites me, or worries me. i would just tell basically anyone that was there, the moment the thought hits me, or the emotion engulfs me.

but the thing is, most of the time i tell people things is not because i want their view, or their advice, and i definitely don't want their judgement of me. because let's face it, things that goes through my mind can be quite out there. i just tell em mostly just to get it off my chest. if my thoughts are wrong and you tell me that it is, i will just make it more wrong.

it's like i just fucking love to torture myself -- putting my thoughts out there, and letting people judge me, then get all mad because people judged me.. :/

Religion

to Mr tall, dark, brooding and handsome.

dear you,

this could just be a passing infatuation, and this feels so wrong that nothing could make it right.

but i want to fuck your fucking brains out.

so please stop being so fucking sexy and smart, and charming. and please stop having this amazing fucking chemistry with me. and stop being sexy. stop it i say.

you're driving me fucking mad.

with love,
me.

Forgive me, for i have sinned.

sigh.

how did this got to what it is? stooped wayy too low.

fuck.

i'll just say this flat out. sexting.

GOD!

i feel despicable. i mean, i did a LOT of despicable things, but this, is just too much for me.

sure, he's a damn sexy guy. and suuuuuuuureeee, i'm a fucking hormonal chick. but..

i need to breathe.

i work with this dude. it's so fucking wrong on so many levels.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i need GOD right now.