Insignificant

If i die,

Would i be missed?

Would anyone cry for me?

Would i be remembered?

#morbidthoughts

I dont even know what i've achieved in life.

Dog in the rain.

The feeling of being so in love with someone, then having that person breaks your heart and leave you behind, forgets you and move on while you still hold on so dearly to every fragment of the wonderful memories that you've had with the person. Unlike them, you can't move on. You can't forget. You can't stop loving them. In fact, you live your life simply wishing that they would realize their love for you and would come back to you, and you thought that you'd forgive them if they would ever do.

It's like a pet dog that gets left behind as their owner move away without bringing it along. The owner is the only world it knows. The only world it has. The owner could easily get a new dog, and could easily replace their love, but the poor dog who gets left behind wouldn't know how to love another owner. So it sits and wait, tail wagging in hopes that its owner would come back to get it... and showers it with love again. It stays despite the hot scorching sun and the cold of the rain... it stays despite the hunger and thirst. It dreams of the day its owner come back to look for their dog, and it would happily run and jump into its owner's arm, tail wagging, not remembering the fact that it was left behind in the first place. All would be forgiven. Always forgiven. But the owner would never come back. The owner wouldn't even care.

And thay's exactly who i am, i'm the pitiful dog who got left behind. Sitting here with my hopes. Even if you would never come back i would still stay and hope. Dreaming to be back in your arms. Willing to forget everything you've done if you'd... just... Come... Back...

Birthday wishlist!

1) makeup brush set. And i mean a good set. Been eyeing the Sephora brushes, Sigma brushes and the Real Techniques brushes.

2) Naked palette. Any of the Naked palette range would do for me. If someone could give me all 4 sets, i would love the person with all my heart until the day that i die. But just getting the Naked 3 or the Naked basic would make me a happy girl.

3) Fossil rose gold watch. Been eyeing the one identical to the one i have, but in rose gold. Because i like simple things that i can wear daily to work. Nothing with diamonds on them... just because diamonds can fall off..

4) a good perfume. I have loads of perfume wishes on my list... Pure White Linen by Estee Lauder, Untold by Elizabeth Arden, See by Chloe, quite a number of Victoria's Secret scents, well in short, one can't go wrong with gifting me a bottle(or two, or four..) of perfume.

5) a vacation package. Preferably near the beach or a bustling city centre. Even more preferably one that is not in Malaysia. Extra love if flight tickets are included. :)

Well hey, it's just a wishlist. I'm not putting a gun to anyone's head to get them for me. It's just to say that i'll be really really really happy to get one or more of these for my birthday. Though i know most of my closest people in my life probably couldn't afford them as gifts. I understand. In fact, even if i don't get my wishes from someone else, these are things that i would spoil myself with with my own money anyway. :)

heart. break.

i feel broken.

i feel stupid.

i feel ugly.

i feel disgusted with myself.

i feel insecure.



they say love like you've never been hurt before. so i did. i opened my heart, i give second chances.

somehow it always proves to be a mistake, to give second chances.

i thought, "seems different this time, he looks sincerely interested."

i thought, "i promise i will not get invested with feelings this time. i'll keep a clear head."

but still when the walls come crashing down, no matter how i tried to keep a clear mind, i always end up getting hurt. end up feeling stupid. end up feeling broken.


maybe it's not for me, this thing called love. i'm just not good enough for someone to love me for me.

Resentments

Question : why don't you ever go back to Seremban? Why are you so reluctant?

Answer : why would i want to go back to a place that doesn't bring me any happiness?

There's only a woman i grew up with who were never happy with what i do despite me doing the best i can to keep her satisfied. I work this work that i absolutely loathe, i do as i was told and yet, i'm always the devil in her eyes. I wear the wrong clothes, i never cared enough, i am selfish, i date the wrong kind of men... that's all i ever hear her say.

And then there's that man, the sole cause of all my broken dreams. I wish i could say that money couldn't buy love, but along with the money he lost, he also lost my love for him and any sort of respect a child should have for her father. He made promises that he never kept. And i continued to hold on to those promises, with this broken heart of mine. And the man never learned, he only continued to trod on what little fragments of feelings i still had.. shattering it more and more. He's the reason i refuse to date Malay men. He's going to be the reason i will never marry. For i can't trust men and their promises after what i've seen from him.

So tell me, why in the world would i want to go back there? Where home doesn't feel like home at all..

rich girl, poor girl

the older sister invited me to follow her to an investment workshop as a replacement of her husband who couldn't make it today.

to be honest, i had other plans, that is a friend's wedding. buuuut, with my bank account reaching to nil while my credit card reaching its max, and the fact that following the sister is means nil on spending (she even pays for the food! yay!), i opted for the workshop.

hee, i know, i'm awesomely smart at cost saving.

so anyways, there i was, somewhat uninterested and very sleepy (i had to get up at 6am and left home at 7.15am on a Sunday. anyone would start a rally...) at the workshop which was at some lame hotel somewhere in shah alam, i think, looking around skeptically at the crowd of people who attended. the participants were 100% malay. now now, i don't mean to be racist to my own kind, but let's just admit that Malays are not the smartest in investments. in fact, i'll be really honest  here, for the first hour or so of the beginning of the workshop, i really believed i was lured into joining an MLM / Ponzi scheme gathering. especially seeing that the speakers (and some of the participants) acting too hyped up and kept overusing those damn annoying motivational lines ("kalau anda mahu kaya angkat tangan and say 'i'!!")

urgh. (=.=)

but as the day progressed, i found that it's very enlightening. an eye-opener really. i felt like finally having that parent to child talk about money. finally knowing all those things you should know (but never thought of asking) about money. how much of our salary to keep as savings, how to make a financial portfolio, the importance of side income and passive income, the three most profitable investments -- house, gold and stock shares, and how to invest in each the smart way.

now, only very recently have i realized that i came from a family that knows nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing about financial planning. my parents never taught me anything at all about savings and the importance of money. sure, my mum set up a bank account for each of my siblings and put in bits of her money in those accounts each month and had those accounts given to us to manage by ourselves when each of us reached the age of 18... or 12, can't quite recall now... but, i never remembered her telling us explicitly what to do with that account. we were also quite well-off back when i was young, and the fact that my dad came from a poor family probably made him pamper us too much when he had money. when we were in school, we received allowance money for school lunches each month. supposedly to teach us how to manage our own spending. looking back, it's quite redundant as we could always just ask for more money when we ran out, and we also receive a separate spending money whenever we go out with friends. didn't teach me anything about smart spending, i'd say. it also didn't help that i never understood the difference between wants and needs as a child. everything i wanted was a need. everything i needed was a want. so needless to say, that little bank account i was handed to? drained to nil in no time when i finally learnt how to go to a bank to withdraw money.

yeah, that was how bad my financial education and management was.

fast forward to when i started working. imagine little me, fresh graduate and just started on the working life, with absolutely no money in my accounts. but i didn't realize there's something wrong yet. ah well, yea yea i know, we have to save some money each month for the future yadda yadda... but i never knew how much to keep. as long as there's something in there, right? so... that means, i'll keep RM10 in my bank and the rest is for partying! yeay! *pats self on the back*

fast forward some more, 2 years and a half and i still have that same RM10 in my bank account while the rest is out partying. lets add a credit card to the mix. DEBTS. woo hoo.

okay, okay, so RM10 in my bank account is a bit overkill... i have la, about a few hundred untouched in that childhood account, and like, RM100 in my current one just to keep the account active while i wait for the monthly salary. but nothing more. nothing. nil. ilek.

this shit never bothered me until recently everyone (by everyone i just mean the bestie and the older sister) starting to get into the home buying trend. being classic me *eyeroll*, i must have what other people have. must. have. or go to hell. yeah, that's just me. so obviously i got into this whole house buying craze. started looking up every swanky apartments i see, searching up the price and dreaming of living the city life in a swanky apartment. however, my dreams was shattered, or rather, halted, after consulting the older sister (who has been attending classes on property in preparation to buy her own house) and the bestie. i remembered distinctly feeling my heart sinks when my older sister told me "lia, don't buy out of emotions. you may like the house and is head over heels with it, but calculate first how much you are making, and deduct your expenses e.g. car, food, gas, savings and such... now do you still have the money for the monthly fee?" then feeling it sinks further by the bestie's quiet question of "you know that the bank ain't gonna pay 100% of the house right... you have to pay 10% of the house yourself... and that's not even included the lawyer fees and shits... you have to have at least 15 to 30k in your bank for that..."

i hit the realization that... i have nothing. absolutely nothing. and i can't buy a house on nothing. meanwhile, i'm chasing time, taking mortgage time and also the fact that home prices are gonna get higher and higher into consideration. i need to buy a house now, but i can't, because i have nothing. i was indeed shattered.

but then i came for the workshop. basically what i get from it is the three most profitable investments are gold, stock shares and property. and each has its own strength. invest in gold because gold is an easily liquidated asset. if one is in need of a quick emergency cash, just sell the gold. invest in stock shares because it actually doesn't cost much if you pick the right thing to invest in. (i like the tip of buying shares on things of necessities, such as TNB, astro or LGM, as the price will only go up if a crisis strike. and did you know that it only costs between nil to RM10 to register at a broker? neither did i.)invest in property, well everyone knows this one... property price will never ever ever ever go down.

for me though, the take home message is that, before i start investing, i have to have my finance in check. ensure that i have a steady amount of savings (30% is what they suggested). look for ways to generate side income, and create an account for my side income. keep track of what goes in and what goes out. minimize unnecessary splurge (well, let's just put it out there that zero-ing that is fucking impossible... girl loves her fancy thangs.) only then can i start investing. and my first investment? a house, of course! well, now that i know the basic of gold and stock shares investment too, maybe one day i can dabble in those too... you know, for duit dapur as they say. ;)

wish me luck, hoping for a smarter, and richer me soon.

You won't miss what you never had.

That gentle kiss on the forehead as i was dozing off.

The awesome feeling of warmth and comfort in your arms.

Lying in bed knowing that someone you love is right next to you. Knowing that i am not alone, and i am not lonely.

Those long, late night conversations as we were dozing off. The way that you won't stop talking until i kiss you... or doze off.

The way you pull me close as you sleep.

Your voice whispering in my ear.

I'm definitely going through withdrawal. Feeling lonesome. I want to feel those amazing things again. I want to be happy with a man i love.

Sometimes i wish i never tried. Because you won't miss what you never had. I had a taste, and now i'm addicted. And people don't understand, because they have never felt it themselves.

chin up.

time for a bit of an update. :) doubt that anybody reads this, much less anyone would care. haha.

finally had the 'closure' talk with the toxic man. albeit a result of an unpleasant circumstance (i did all sorts of shits which ended with him calling me up and screamed the shit outta himself over the phone and i screamed the shit outta myself over the phone right back) we ended up just talking about how we have hurt each other over the years. i doubt that he would change himself, he probably wouldn't even believe a word i told him. but what's important to me, is that i've let it all out. i have finally had the chance to tell him all the things i've held on to for so long. my hurt. it's very freeing. like finally laying it to rest. i don't have any feelings anymore for the man, and i am no longer harboring hatred for him. he's..... nothing, now. :)

thank God for that. :)

and i met a new guy. no, it's not the time for smiles and jump for joy yet. we hit it off really well in the beginning, met in a club, thought he was all hot with his beefed up body and that dazzling smile and Paco Rabanne perfume got me all hypnotized. 3 days of knowing the new guy felt like more the toxic guy did from over a year. but alas, what had burned brightly and so quickly also died as quickly as it started. within a month things already went down south. noticing his childish behavior, his penchant to be pampered and always wanting things his way, and his impatience. plus, our music taste is so far apart you can fit a Grand Canyon in it. so finally he just stopped interacting. no messages, no calls, nothing. *shrugs* ah well. no hard feelings for this lady. if i have learnt anything from the past relationship, is to just let go. no use stringing memories and emotions along. we don't fit, no use in forcing that to change.

looking forward to more romance and a better me. :)

tarnish.

i feel like screaming out on the roof. just tell everyone of what happened between you and i. how you treated me like shit, after everything.

at this point, i don't give a damn anymore of what people think of me. yes, i am stupid, yes, it's my fault for giving in, yes, i'm a stupid, dirty slut. i don't care if people knows, i don't care if people talks. because it is true.

but all i want is for all these people to know who YOU really are. a beast. the devil. i would do anything, just so that none other would fall for your trap like i had.

because the pain you cause is unbearable. you make me second guess everything, everything. you make me question my sanity. you make me want to stoop so low. you make me humiliate myself.

... you make me want to die.

i don't want anyone else to go through what i had. for that i would do anything. anything.

going over the edge.

it repulses me, it breaks my heart,

but right now, all i want to do is just call you up and tell you that i need you, i can't live without you, i can't bear the thought that i am no longer in your thoughts. please come back, please be like we were when we first met.

goddammit, i don't even care if you continue to treat me like shit, i just want to be back in your bed, in your arms....

Wishlist.

when one craves for so much, yet can afford so little, wishes, well, just become wishes.

but it ain't a sin to wish, right?

1. My own house. Hopefully somewhere between Seremban and Kuala Lumpur. Best, in Kuala Lumpur itself.
2. A degree. then a Master's Degree. cuz it'll just means, money money money moneyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
3. a new phone. because, my current one is in such a sorry state right now..
4. dental braces. i've never been happy with the way my teeth looks, but let's get real, i didn't come from a place that rains cash, so now it's up to myself to get one. sabar, sabar. the day will come.
5. kebaya nyonya for Hari Raya... because i look damn good in one. well, any nice, elegant looking kebaya that i can still wear after the raya season would do for moi.
6. credit card. i know, i know, it's dangerous, it makes people spend too much, etc, etc, but, it's fuckinggggg handyyyyyy.
7. a vacation. preferably a beach vacay, outside of Malaysia Goddddd i miss lounging at the beachside...
8. a makeup brush set. i've been eyeing the Sephora makeup set, the Sigma set and also, new in Malaysia, the infamous RealTechniques makeup brush set. (hint, hint, next year birthday prezzie, anyone?)
9. a cosmetic sampling box subscription. The Lilac Box looks damn exciting.. (hint, hint, birthday prezzie?)
10. a boyfriend. like, i need to get in a serious relationship, STAT. desperation level : THROUGH THE ROOF.

shattered

sometimes one would put on a facade, a smile, just to show the world that all is fine. no one wants to be near an unpleasant face.

but behind that mask, no one knows how broken the soul is. shattered. and so the one with that smile, she will keep on smiling, until she is alone, and then her tears will fall... ceasing only when she fell asleep, tired and drained of tears and emotions.

and then she gets up the next morning, and the cycle continues....

ups and downs of the past weeks

one has to fall to the deepest end before she can rise again.

the couple of weeks past has been overwhelming.

synopsis : was heartbroken over what i thought a small misunderstanding, vowed to get over the toxic man and the toxic relationship, coincidentally received news of being transferred to a different department, had a Farewell Party/Liberated Girl party only to end up so fucking drunk that i threw up cranberry vodka all over the toilet at Butter Factory and making drunken calls to the toxic man begging him to forgive me--fucking regrettable i may admit. started work at swanky new department only to have serious incompatibility issues with the new boss. hates new department to the point that i'm willing to spend lunch hours back at old place and help out at the old place. got fucking depressed. tried one last attempt at patching up what's left of the toxic relationship but he refused me any room to explain myself, decided that i'll just walk away from him even with the unresolved issues.

and when i decided that i don't care anymore, did things finally start to become better. i have felt somewhat liberated (before that damn cranberry vodka came into my system and fuck things up). but now i'm really, really, truly liberated. carefree. refocus on work. needed all the focus to not get into a fight with the new boss (who irks me half to death). so far managed to control my usually explosive temper and cooperate with her. (yeay!). deleted all of the toxic man's messages, restricted him from seeing me on FB and also restricted my view of him on FB. lived a peaceful life without him, until one morning randomly awaken by a Whatsapp message from him saying "we will always be friends, :)". replied with a heartless "OK" and continued my life without him.

sure, we can be friends. * eye-roll*

and today would have to be one of the best of days that I've had in a while. finally blend in with the new colleagues, ate and ate and ate and ate till i can't eat anymore, started my day with a prayer, and managed to exercise as i had planned. a bit of sweat and a whole lotta endorphin. :) made me happy as fuck, and i feel all loose and relaxed. it's a good day, a good day indeed.

light in the dark.

after all that had happened, the timing couldn't be better. i need a new start. make new friends. get out from this department and all of its scandals. get myself rid of the stench of affairs with that toxic man.

maybe it's a sign. that this is really what i should do. now that i got the ball rolling, everything else just falls into place.

Thank you,God.

i received a news today that i'm going to be transferred to the clinics. whether it's an inter-departmental move or i'll be changed to a different department altogether, i'm still unsure. but what's certain is that i will no longer be in the Urology-Nephrology Wards.

the news certainly came as a surprise. and i'm very saddened that it has to come just about when i'm starting to love this damned ward. just as i started to get used to the chaos and hecticity.

but as it sinks in, as i gave it more thought, i'm thankful. very very thankful. i'm reaching a point where i can no longer trust the people i was friends with in the department. maybe it would be good for me to meet new people, make new friends.

plus, working in the clinics means that i'll be working on office hours. awesome for me, since i am planning to continue my studies as a part-time student, and needs the free weekends anyway.

again, I thank you, my dear God. :)

the other other woman.

i guess there's a reason i was sent for the course.

to be away from you.

to finally see what kind of a person you are.


i can't believe the very person i made friends with at the course is my competition. there she was, all smiles with me, making little jokes, eating at the same table, going out shopping together, and yet she was a threat.

it hurts me to see her sitting right in front of me, clutching her phone tight, waiting for a message reply on her phone so excitedly, only to see your name plastered on her phone screen. the very nickname that supposedly only for me to call you. and what hurts me most is that you dared to double task me and her at the same time. wow, that is some good multitasking skill you have, mister.

i was suspicious when you knew where i was, down to the ride that i was on, when i had never mentioned where i was in the conversations. but you refused to answer when i asked how you knew. i bet she's the one who told you.

the evidence was right in front of me, the least you could have done was tell me the truth. but you dare say that you don't even know her. BULL-fucking-SHIT.

you don't know her????

YOU DON'T KNOW HER?????

then how the fuck in hell did you get her number?
how the fuck in hell could she have a long page of conversation messages with you on her phone?
how the fuck in hell could she call you by a fucking pet name??

let me guess. it's just the same way you got mine. the same way you got me hooked on you. the same way you made me think i was special. God knows you've probably bed her too... and you've probably told her she was the only one too.

i've told you i'm not about to be part of your little collection. telling me that i wasn't is just another lie you threw my way. you thought i was stupid. i CHOSE to be stupid for you.

i don't want to compete for you. i've had enough. it's a game i know i'm not ever going to win. because no matter how hard i try to please you, in the end it's not like i'll ever have you. you're already taken by someone who doesn't even have to fight for you. the one you're willing to travel a thousand miles for. so here i am, i'm walking out from the game. go ahead, keep messaging that other other woman, keep telling her she's wonderful, keep her around. because i won't be.

i'm done with you. i'm sorry.

Rihanna.

i get why Rihanna gets back with Chris Brown. to feel like the key to your happiness is the very person that brings you only so much misery. and you would do just about anything to make them happy, even if hurts you deep inside.

i guess i played with fire, and i got burned, just as i deserve.

"regardless of what you think, you're very important to me."

yes yes, you are very important to me too. :)

Me: Bachelor Degree student?

when i first started working, i told myself (and my mom) that i see myself working for a year, and then i will start pursuing my degree, and maybe after that, God willing, a masters' degree.

one year. that was my plan.

but when i started working, i discovered that the hecticity of life in the hospital proves to be too much to handle. i had a lot to learn, and the transition into working life kind of took a little to long to settle. life was a little too chaotic to juggle as it was, it would be crazy to add further study into the mix.

but now, one and a half years after, i think it's a good time to get back to my initial plan. maybe the timeline's a bit off, but it's ok.

after much contemplation, i finally decided to open the Open University website, fill up the online application form, and hit submit. so there.

so they are saying i'm technically in, all i have to do now is submit all the necessary paperworks and payments within 2 weeks and i'll be a Bachelor Degree in Nursing Science student.

oh. my. God. can i handle it? juggling the working life with a study life? i'm definitely nervous. it's gonna be hard, but it's got to be done... i definitely don't plan on being stuck in this rank forever.

be strong Muzlia, this is all for your own good. :)

done.

well well well.

lookie who decided to pop back into my life. Mr Tall, Dark and Sexter.

what happened? tired of being pussy-whipped by your ugly-ass fiancee? your strings of other chicks got sick and tired of your sex-and-awkward-moments ways? missed me now that you're not getting any?

so you reappeared in my life, pretending to be a "friend" and asking how i'm doing.

i'm doing MIGHTY fine without you, thank you.

but your true colours show. asking if i missed you, reminding me of "special" moments we shared. pffft. mind you, ain't nothing "special" we shared.

so guess what. i'm not going to entertain you. enjoy playing with your hand. bet you'll enjoy lots of "special" moments together. :)

Mom

okay, now this is a tricky little thing for me to discuss, and i've been battling my own conscience on this matter.

sigh.

i think i finally know what it is about my hometown that i hate so much. and please, don't judge me for saying this, but i think it's because of my mother.

yes. i can't stand the idea of going back to the hometown because that's where my mother is.

i'm sorry mother, i know that you love me and cares for me and sacrificed a lot for me and you want nothing but the best that life can give for me--i totally understand all those things, and i love you for that... but i really have come to a point that i really can't stand you.

i know. i'm evil. i'm a shitpiece of a daughter. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so so so sorry. but i just cannot lie to myself about how i feel, but recently i've discovered that being near you always gets a rise out of me. i can't control my temper around you, and i just find that everything you say gets me annoyed. and please don't ask me why. i don't know why. maybe i'm just so screwed up like that.

sigh.

that is why i find that the best way for me to keep the peace is by staying away from you. i know it hurts your feelings that i'm never around, and that i never wanted to stay at home even when i'm on holidays, but i think it's better that way than having my uncontrollable anger making me scream or throw sarcastic remarks at you.

i. just. don't. want. to. be. that. kind. of. daughter.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.