Jaded.

so here i am, alone in KL for the weekend. the older sister and family decided to go back to Seremban to show off their new family car.

despite having the weekend off, i did not go back to Seremban. the last time i went back, i regretted it, and swore to never come back to Seremban again. well, i'm just joking, of course i would still go back there. just not now. i don't know, not too sure why, but there's this huge disappointment, this jaded feeling in me that turned me off about the town.

maybe i'm just selfish, but i feel somewhat angry and annoyed whenever i feel like I've been left out and out of loop of any new stories. working in kl, not making OR retaining any friends here, and all the while seeing the closest people having fun without you back at home -- it makes me sad. it feels like i'm being outcasted. and it adds to the painful loneliness in me. i know, i'm terribly selfish, it's impossible to keep you guys from hanging out just because i'm not there, but it hurts to see the people that matters to you enjoying themselves without you.

and again, maybe i'm just selfish, but i have this mindset that since i'm rarely home anymore, it should be like i'm a guest when i do come home. plus, i'm only in Seremban when i'm having my holidays, which is what it should be. A HOLIDAY. obviously i don't go all the way back to Seremban just to wash dishes and do the laundry or clean the toilet. so, yeah, the fact that i get told around to do chores do irks me.

and finally, i feel that it's hugely unfair to me that every time i want to see all these people that matters so much to me, i am the one who has to go through all the trouble to go back to Seremban to see them, only to do the same old thing (Seremban doesn't have much to offer in terms of places to go) over and over again. it's always karaoke, or eating, either at Jusco S2 or McD Senawang, or Pappa rich. and truth be told, i'm fucking sick of those places. and i'm fucking sick of doing all the driving and travelling. when will it be the turn that i get to seat at the passenger side, without using my fuel, without me having to decide on where we should go? when?? when will it be the time that you guys (assuming that i matter to you as much as you matter to me) would want to do the travelling all the way from Seremban to KL just to meet and hang out with me instead?

i know, my requests for you guys to come and see me instead of me going to see you, and my suggestions to do something other that eating and paying to sit in a dark room fell on deaf ears, and maybe even seem like a freaking joke. but it's not to me. i'm fucking sick. of being alone, of being out of loop of everything, of making the desperate efforts to not fall into oblivion.