You won't miss what you never had.

That gentle kiss on the forehead as i was dozing off.

The awesome feeling of warmth and comfort in your arms.

Lying in bed knowing that someone you love is right next to you. Knowing that i am not alone, and i am not lonely.

Those long, late night conversations as we were dozing off. The way that you won't stop talking until i kiss you... or doze off.

The way you pull me close as you sleep.

Your voice whispering in my ear.

I'm definitely going through withdrawal. Feeling lonesome. I want to feel those amazing things again. I want to be happy with a man i love.

Sometimes i wish i never tried. Because you won't miss what you never had. I had a taste, and now i'm addicted. And people don't understand, because they have never felt it themselves.

chin up.

time for a bit of an update. :) doubt that anybody reads this, much less anyone would care. haha.

finally had the 'closure' talk with the toxic man. albeit a result of an unpleasant circumstance (i did all sorts of shits which ended with him calling me up and screamed the shit outta himself over the phone and i screamed the shit outta myself over the phone right back) we ended up just talking about how we have hurt each other over the years. i doubt that he would change himself, he probably wouldn't even believe a word i told him. but what's important to me, is that i've let it all out. i have finally had the chance to tell him all the things i've held on to for so long. my hurt. it's very freeing. like finally laying it to rest. i don't have any feelings anymore for the man, and i am no longer harboring hatred for him. he's..... nothing, now. :)

thank God for that. :)

and i met a new guy. no, it's not the time for smiles and jump for joy yet. we hit it off really well in the beginning, met in a club, thought he was all hot with his beefed up body and that dazzling smile and Paco Rabanne perfume got me all hypnotized. 3 days of knowing the new guy felt like more the toxic guy did from over a year. but alas, what had burned brightly and so quickly also died as quickly as it started. within a month things already went down south. noticing his childish behavior, his penchant to be pampered and always wanting things his way, and his impatience. plus, our music taste is so far apart you can fit a Grand Canyon in it. so finally he just stopped interacting. no messages, no calls, nothing. *shrugs* ah well. no hard feelings for this lady. if i have learnt anything from the past relationship, is to just let go. no use stringing memories and emotions along. we don't fit, no use in forcing that to change.

looking forward to more romance and a better me. :)

tarnish.

i feel like screaming out on the roof. just tell everyone of what happened between you and i. how you treated me like shit, after everything.

at this point, i don't give a damn anymore of what people think of me. yes, i am stupid, yes, it's my fault for giving in, yes, i'm a stupid, dirty slut. i don't care if people knows, i don't care if people talks. because it is true.

but all i want is for all these people to know who YOU really are. a beast. the devil. i would do anything, just so that none other would fall for your trap like i had.

because the pain you cause is unbearable. you make me second guess everything, everything. you make me question my sanity. you make me want to stoop so low. you make me humiliate myself.

... you make me want to die.

i don't want anyone else to go through what i had. for that i would do anything. anything.

going over the edge.

it repulses me, it breaks my heart,

but right now, all i want to do is just call you up and tell you that i need you, i can't live without you, i can't bear the thought that i am no longer in your thoughts. please come back, please be like we were when we first met.

goddammit, i don't even care if you continue to treat me like shit, i just want to be back in your bed, in your arms....

Wishlist.

when one craves for so much, yet can afford so little, wishes, well, just become wishes.

but it ain't a sin to wish, right?

1. My own house. Hopefully somewhere between Seremban and Kuala Lumpur. Best, in Kuala Lumpur itself.
2. A degree. then a Master's Degree. cuz it'll just means, money money money moneyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
3. a new phone. because, my current one is in such a sorry state right now..
4. dental braces. i've never been happy with the way my teeth looks, but let's get real, i didn't come from a place that rains cash, so now it's up to myself to get one. sabar, sabar. the day will come.
5. kebaya nyonya for Hari Raya... because i look damn good in one. well, any nice, elegant looking kebaya that i can still wear after the raya season would do for moi.
6. credit card. i know, i know, it's dangerous, it makes people spend too much, etc, etc, but, it's fuckinggggg handyyyyyy.
7. a vacation. preferably a beach vacay, outside of Malaysia Goddddd i miss lounging at the beachside...
8. a makeup brush set. i've been eyeing the Sephora makeup set, the Sigma set and also, new in Malaysia, the infamous RealTechniques makeup brush set. (hint, hint, next year birthday prezzie, anyone?)
9. a cosmetic sampling box subscription. The Lilac Box looks damn exciting.. (hint, hint, birthday prezzie?)
10. a boyfriend. like, i need to get in a serious relationship, STAT. desperation level : THROUGH THE ROOF.

shattered

sometimes one would put on a facade, a smile, just to show the world that all is fine. no one wants to be near an unpleasant face.

but behind that mask, no one knows how broken the soul is. shattered. and so the one with that smile, she will keep on smiling, until she is alone, and then her tears will fall... ceasing only when she fell asleep, tired and drained of tears and emotions.

and then she gets up the next morning, and the cycle continues....

ups and downs of the past weeks

one has to fall to the deepest end before she can rise again.

the couple of weeks past has been overwhelming.

synopsis : was heartbroken over what i thought a small misunderstanding, vowed to get over the toxic man and the toxic relationship, coincidentally received news of being transferred to a different department, had a Farewell Party/Liberated Girl party only to end up so fucking drunk that i threw up cranberry vodka all over the toilet at Butter Factory and making drunken calls to the toxic man begging him to forgive me--fucking regrettable i may admit. started work at swanky new department only to have serious incompatibility issues with the new boss. hates new department to the point that i'm willing to spend lunch hours back at old place and help out at the old place. got fucking depressed. tried one last attempt at patching up what's left of the toxic relationship but he refused me any room to explain myself, decided that i'll just walk away from him even with the unresolved issues.

and when i decided that i don't care anymore, did things finally start to become better. i have felt somewhat liberated (before that damn cranberry vodka came into my system and fuck things up). but now i'm really, really, truly liberated. carefree. refocus on work. needed all the focus to not get into a fight with the new boss (who irks me half to death). so far managed to control my usually explosive temper and cooperate with her. (yeay!). deleted all of the toxic man's messages, restricted him from seeing me on FB and also restricted my view of him on FB. lived a peaceful life without him, until one morning randomly awaken by a Whatsapp message from him saying "we will always be friends, :)". replied with a heartless "OK" and continued my life without him.

sure, we can be friends. * eye-roll*

and today would have to be one of the best of days that I've had in a while. finally blend in with the new colleagues, ate and ate and ate and ate till i can't eat anymore, started my day with a prayer, and managed to exercise as i had planned. a bit of sweat and a whole lotta endorphin. :) made me happy as fuck, and i feel all loose and relaxed. it's a good day, a good day indeed.