new boy on the block.

out with the old, in with the new, they say.

haha, me and my scandalous life.

body image.

looked at some old photos back when i was a child, and i realized that i was not the "cute kid" or the "pretty one" of the family.
funny, i never thought of it all these years. and not that i looked at the photos only to scrutinize myself, but it was just something i noticed as i was browsing the pages of old family albums. the big sister has always been the demure, pretty one. the little sister has always been the charmingly adorably cute one. then there's me. the scrawny thin kid with odd hair and a mole on the face.

i guess that explains my fascinations for makeup and my obsession on plastic surgery back in my teen years. yes, i was obsessed. but as far as getting one, getting rid of my facial mole was the first and the last. ha ha. not that i don't want any more, but the cost of getting one overshadows the benefit. practical-minded me will not allow myself to get it.

and after all these years, as a grown woman, i'm more comfortable being in my own skin. more accepting of my flaws. they're still flaws, but I've decided that i'm okay with them. there are times that i would look at my siblings and think "yeah, i'm the pretty one." who cares if it's untrue. it's true in my mind and that's all that matters. :)

and, not that i want to condone committing sinful acts, but yeah, recently i ventured into the dangerous world of picture sexting. :P
it's highly addictive, and partly because i found it highly liberating. i've always dealt with body image issues due to my thin frame. i always thought i have "a boy's body". my boobs are not big enough, my butt is not big enough, i don't have that hourglass figure that every men seem to crave for. but taking pictures of myself and having someone telling me that i look perfect despite my insecurities (hell, the dude was probably saying sweet things just to get into my panties but who the fuck cares) is definitely an ego booster for me. i found that i'm more appreciative of my body now. like, i don't need big boobs, i'm fucking sexy as i am now...

so, i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say, but, hey, just be happy and accept yourself. at the end of the day beauty is how you look at yourself. :)

lesson learnt.

when you fuck up ain't nobody gonna have your back.

sigh.

i'm fucking tired of all this already. spent all my energy this past 10 months trying to convince myself i can make it. and at this point there is no more energy left.

i'm exhausted. lethargic. so fucking tired.

i want to just go to sleep and never wake up ever again.

depression 2.0

i fucking need counselling. or get on meds. or quit my job.
either one or ima start killing myself.

You.

something's bothering you and it's obvious.
you've been so quiet. so distant.

i miss the usual you.

and i can't help but feel like you're blaming me. but it's not my fault the results were not what you hoped it was. and i hate thinking that you're blaming me. i hate that i felt used. you and me, we're equal. you're no better than me, so don't act like you are above me. God i hate you. i hate you because i want you so fucking much.

what the fuck is this? you make my blood boil, you get me hot and bothered. you make me feel like the most beautiful angel. you make me feel like a slut. you want all of me, and i want all of you.

i want to make you happy. but i want to make me happy too. i can't be near you. i feel your gaze watching my every move. and i would gaze back at you when you're looking away.

but it's probably better for us to be this way. it's probably better for you to keep your distance. i'll get over you, like i got over the rest.

No money is easy money / Betrayed.

i'm the type of person who does not keep a lot of friends. sure, i have a lot of acquaintances, but it's not easy to get into my 'friends' circle, and even harder to get to 'close friends' circle, and i think almost impossible to get to the 'sisters' circle. trust me. even biological sister can't get into my 'sisters' circle. :)

the difference between the friendship level is based on how far i trust the person. basically, i don't trust anyone i keep as acquaintances. there are some bits of trust in my friends, and so on. as for sisters, i would trust them with my life.

so the story goes like this: in nursing college i got to know a girl. we started off as acquaintance, i actually gravitated towards her as she is somewhat in my wavelength in terms of a city girl with a passion for fashion, from similar family background and an open mind. we hung out a lot and gradually she became the few close friends that i had in that godforsaken college.

then after 3 years, graduation came and we went our separate ways. sure, i miss what few friends that i had back in college, especially since i don't make that many at work. so when the girl suddenly contacted me and wanted to hang out, i jumped at the chance. didn't care that i was tired after a super busy PM shift (work finished at 9pm, went out from ward at 11pm), i still went out of my way to meet her. we had fun, just exchanging stories and updating each other on our lives. we promised to meet up again some other time before we part for the night.

until one night she invited me for late night snacks at a mamak place. as usual, i've just finished a tiring day of PM shift but for the sake of seeing a good friend i dragged myself to see her. but what i got that night was a disappointing surprise. she actually had arranged that her "friend" came talk to me to pitch a shady business scheme that immediately screamed "Ponzi!!" in my head.

my face changed. my mind changed. my trust in her was totally destroyed within seconds. one thing was that it is an insult to my intelligence for her to think i would fall for that shit. another is that all those time, she was saying how much she wanted me to join her because she "trusted" me. no honey, "trust" is what i gave you. and now i take it back. because you betrayed it by trying to sell me out.

being the good (unconfrontational) friend that i am, i just put on my poker face, bid my farewell with a smile and left. and now she won't stop bugging me, calling me day in and day out, asking to see me again and again and again. i just kept lying and lying. it's fucking choking me, all the calls.

i just, i don't believe in easy money. sure, i hate it when i have to work hard to earn my pay. but at least i know i make an honest way of living. if there's one thing i learned in life, it's that there is no such thing as easy money. no one makes thousands just sitting on their ass. and another thing i learned the hard way in life is that greed will only bring you down. better to be thankful for what you have. i make just enough to pay for my car, put some food on the table and afford me some little bits of indulgences -- and i'm perfectly thankful.

so yeah, what i got out of this is to watch my back - people i trust might stab me from the back as i hug them. thanks a lot for bringing my paranoia a step further, "friend".

between desires and reality.

i want to get a tattoo. not a lot, just one, and in one particular place. on my right wrist, specifically right on my radial pulse point. i'm torn between getting my signature, or small stars or some sort of meaningful symbol like the Aquarius symbol. maybe the letter M.

i always have a thing for my wrist -- pulse points to be exact. like, i feel like it's the sexiest part of me. and not like beautiful kind of sexy (that would be my eyes *wink*). it's like, i like the sensations i get when someone touches me there. such a turn on. haha.

at first i didn't notice my interest until someone pointed out that i love writing things down on my wrist. or drawing something on it. i just like the feel of ink on my skin right at the pulse point. gives me great pleasure that i can't even comprehend, much less explain.

and as for the design, each of the symbol i'm thinking of has a meaning to it.

my signature - i am my own brand; i own myself.
small stars - to remind myself of my dreams and that i will achieve them one day, also to remind me that i am a rockstar in my own right. :)
Aquarius symbol - i believe that i'm a true blue Aquarius. even  though i hate to admit it, i'm so obsessed with horoscopes.
the letter M - my initial, the letter that embodies me. i love the letter so much that i actually have a secret wish to find myself a husband with the same initial and have all my kids' names start with the letter M. heheh.
3001 - my birthday date. don't know why i like it, i just do.

but alas, religion and social stigma kept me from getting one.

fuck.