Padwans.

"i don't want to be just another one of your padwans,"

i still wince when reminded of those words he said to me. that hurts. for you to think that i'm the one going around acting like a slut. what don't you get? i don't want any other, i want you.

you told me not to fall for you, and yet, you're playing all this emo shit on me. you know what? for that i'll break my promise just to spite you. i'll fall.

irony

they say, if you're sick, you have to go see a doctor.

but, what if you got sick because you went to see a doctor?

hmmmmmm...

new boy on the block.

out with the old, in with the new, they say.

haha, me and my scandalous life.

body image.

looked at some old photos back when i was a child, and i realized that i was not the "cute kid" or the "pretty one" of the family.
funny, i never thought of it all these years. and not that i looked at the photos only to scrutinize myself, but it was just something i noticed as i was browsing the pages of old family albums. the big sister has always been the demure, pretty one. the little sister has always been the charmingly adorably cute one. then there's me. the scrawny thin kid with odd hair and a mole on the face.

i guess that explains my fascinations for makeup and my obsession on plastic surgery back in my teen years. yes, i was obsessed. but as far as getting one, getting rid of my facial mole was the first and the last. ha ha. not that i don't want any more, but the cost of getting one overshadows the benefit. practical-minded me will not allow myself to get it.

and after all these years, as a grown woman, i'm more comfortable being in my own skin. more accepting of my flaws. they're still flaws, but I've decided that i'm okay with them. there are times that i would look at my siblings and think "yeah, i'm the pretty one." who cares if it's untrue. it's true in my mind and that's all that matters. :)

and, not that i want to condone committing sinful acts, but yeah, recently i ventured into the dangerous world of picture sexting. :P
it's highly addictive, and partly because i found it highly liberating. i've always dealt with body image issues due to my thin frame. i always thought i have "a boy's body". my boobs are not big enough, my butt is not big enough, i don't have that hourglass figure that every men seem to crave for. but taking pictures of myself and having someone telling me that i look perfect despite my insecurities (hell, the dude was probably saying sweet things just to get into my panties but who the fuck cares) is definitely an ego booster for me. i found that i'm more appreciative of my body now. like, i don't need big boobs, i'm fucking sexy as i am now...

so, i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say, but, hey, just be happy and accept yourself. at the end of the day beauty is how you look at yourself. :)

lesson learnt.

when you fuck up ain't nobody gonna have your back.

sigh.

i'm fucking tired of all this already. spent all my energy this past 10 months trying to convince myself i can make it. and at this point there is no more energy left.

i'm exhausted. lethargic. so fucking tired.

i want to just go to sleep and never wake up ever again.

depression 2.0

i fucking need counselling. or get on meds. or quit my job.
either one or ima start killing myself.

You.

something's bothering you and it's obvious.
you've been so quiet. so distant.

i miss the usual you.

and i can't help but feel like you're blaming me. but it's not my fault the results were not what you hoped it was. and i hate thinking that you're blaming me. i hate that i felt used. you and me, we're equal. you're no better than me, so don't act like you are above me. God i hate you. i hate you because i want you so fucking much.

what the fuck is this? you make my blood boil, you get me hot and bothered. you make me feel like the most beautiful angel. you make me feel like a slut. you want all of me, and i want all of you.

i want to make you happy. but i want to make me happy too. i can't be near you. i feel your gaze watching my every move. and i would gaze back at you when you're looking away.

but it's probably better for us to be this way. it's probably better for you to keep your distance. i'll get over you, like i got over the rest.