fuck you. and the thoughts you bring.

wondering how you're doing, who you're doing, and whether you're thinking of me is putting unnecessary load on my brain.

i have better use for my brain cells. i have better use for my nanoseconds.

so fuck it. fuck you.

i'm prioritizing myself now.

going, going, gone.

the patient that was cursed out by my junior colleague recently, the one when she said the infamous line of "kalau nak mampus, mampus je la, jangan menyusahkan orang" -- he died today.

unfortunately, dah nak mampus pun still menyusahkan orang. he asked (more like ordered) for us to do vacuum suctioning of his phlegm, which nobody entertained. he refused to put on his oxygen mask, then proceed to lodge a complaint to the specialist on call about nobody wanting to do suctioning for him. Mr Specialist pulak cuma kenal nama i, laju je nak panggil "Muz, patient wants suction," padahal bukan patient aku.. banyak je kerja lain den nak buat.. i'm busy with my own post op patients.

so another junior colleague had to attend to him. elok je on the suction machine, his oxygen saturation dropped, terus flat. terus bungkus2, hantar pi mortuary. kesian the junior colleague, tak pasal2 je kena balik pukul 4 to settle his mortuary and death cert arrangements.

Goodbye.

you gave me the best night i ever wanted... until you say those words.

we had superb fun. candlelit dinner, you indulged me in anything i wanted. bar hopping, yummy cocktail shots one after another, and another, and another.. and awesome, awesome mind blowing sex.

you asked me what was my best sex. i told you it was tonight. i did not lie.

i was happy. elated. so amazingly on cloud nine.

until you told me tonight is goodbye. until you gave me that shit speech that it's unlike you to say goodbye in the first place. that you usually simply walk away. that it's your nature to move on and forget things, however significant they are to you.

i feigned a smile. i nodded in understanding. i joked that i hoped you won't miss me. i looked away as you gave your shit speech, tried to blink away tears that threatened to jeopardize my calm composure.

we kissed. then you walked away.

i started my car and the dam broke. i can't stop the tears. i can't stop sobbing. i'm fucking amazed i managed to navigate my car home tonight. i had to sit in my car and just sat and sobbed, my whole body shaking. i went into my room and just broke down. choking on tears i can't cry out.

i never knew someone could break my stone cold heart. i never knew that someone would be you.

pembantu fucking tadbir.

eiiiiiiii sakitnya hatiiiiiiii.

you're a fucking petty clerk, and you're picking fights with me? wow, so fucking big of you.

well well miss you-think-you're-perfect-in-everything-you-do, your work is a piece of shit too, and you can bet your fucking ass i'll have that piece of ass of your all toasted up.

picking fucking fights with the wrong fucking bitch. you're so fucking goin to fucking die. you and your fucking ugly fucking kid. no wonder your husband left you, you fucking piece of shit.

Death.

i've been in the healthcare sector for 4 years plus now (including my studying years in nursing college), and although we were taught and reminded to be sympathetic and empathetic towards the patients, i have to say, facing sickness, despair and death every single day does desensitize one from emotions.

with me being an emotionally detached person to begin with, there are moments that i wonder if i'm not normal for not being able to put myself in my patients' shoes.

and the moment that i feel most awkwardly not normal is when faced with death, or an impending death of a patient. i know enough social graces to keep a serious face when in the company of weeping family members, but i just can't be sympathetic. yes, i know, you're sad and all, someone's gonna die, but i still got to settle my work, so, please all 30 of you, stop gathering round here and get the fuck outta my face. this is not some shit tv drama where you can go ask any fucking staff of the prognosis and they will entertain you so you can do more of your dramatic weeping.

and, another thing, although it is not really my place to say, i have yet to find the light to repentance, and may i say this is strictly my own personal thought and observations, regardless of race and religions, people almost always only look for God when faced with death. you have one patient pronounced DIL NAR (that's Dangerously Ill List - No Active Resuscitation -- meaning if the patient collapse, the patient and family have decided to let it be and request for no CPR to be done to save the patient) then BAM, you'll suddenly see the whole "kampung", which you never seen even one of the face throughout the patient's stay in ward. suddenly there will be mass prayers, the Tok Imams and the priests will suddenly appear at patient's bedside.

i always wonder, why is that so? if you never looked for God before, you think scrambling for Him at that point will suddenly save your life? now, i'm not saying that it's wrong, for each their own, but well, it's fascinating how humans reach frantically for solace and peace only when it's no longer salvageable.

death and the human reaction to it. it's a really fascinating thing.

my favourite drug.

i am addicted.

to you.

how do you stay away from your favorite drug?

i can get others, make no mistake. but you're the one i'm chasing. the one that satisfies my cravings.

statement membunuh of the day

a junior colleague of mine had to deal with crazy hecticities the past couple of days, with her team having the most number of patients, critical ones at that. among them was one Neurosurgical (a.k.a Psy ward) patient admitted for pulling off his urinary tubing, causing trauma to his urethra.

so this guy came in from Emergency Dept with sudden drop of blood pressure, bleeding from his pee pee causing lack of blood in his system. a lot of plans were laid out for him, making being in charge of the guy a very taxing task.

as it goes, during one of those busy moments, the junior colleague was overheard saying, "kalau nak mampus tu mampus je lah, jangan menyusahkan orang."

woah. very the statement membunuh.

but i can't judge her. i'd admit that i've once or twice have said that too. and i think it's a pretty popular saying in the medical world, especially when dealing with stupid people and their stupid acts.

so, yeah, if you ever thought of committing suicide or something like that, do remember,

KALAU NAK MAMPUS TU JANGAN LAH MENYUSAHKAN ORANG.

have a good day everyone. :)