So, I'm Not Just Being Paranoid.

"she hates us, both of us. and i'm not just making up stories, a few others noticed it too... your own mentor told me the other day to watch out because Bitchy Senior Co-Worker is aiming for us."

those were the words told by a colleague as we were on our way home together just recently. she's a junior as i am and we both had endured the same type of hell from Bitchy Senior Co-Worker ever since we started working.

Thank God! there's someone else out there who is just as tortured as i am! all this time, i thought i was the only one being stepped on, and even blamed myself for being exceptionally stupid to get bullied like hell.

but hey, how come my own mentor never acknowledged the fact that i'm being aimed by BSCW in front of me? at least it'll not make me feel like a paranoid freak.

Time.

it's funny how time works on characters.

over the weekends i had the chance to hang out with an old acquaintance from my A-level years. it's been so long since we saw each other, but we chatted like we're close friends that see each other everyday. and he's still the same guy as i remembered - super nice, a gentleman, and still loves to remind everyone that he's Hindustani, not Tamil. haha. makes me smile every time.

on the other hand, randomly found the profile page of another acquaintance from my A-level years. back then, he was the geeky boy that tried too hard to impress others. had that classic image of an overachieving Asian kid -- geeky specs, thin-ass frame, clean-cut image. but as i quietly stalk his profile, oh boy has he changed. no more geeky specs (learnt how to put on contacts? Lasik, maybe?), definitely more muscle on that body, lip piercings, cigarettes, electric guitar. he oozes the laid-back, bad boy charm now. oh wow.

i'm fascinated at the thought that years can go by and a person could still be the same, while others would have made a one-eighty turn in characters in the same length of time. i wonder, have i changed? or am i still the same?

hmm.

Bitchy Senior Co-Worker has been oddly nice these days. no more snide remarks sent my way, offering to buy food, heck, even affectionately called me "adik" as opposed to referring to me strictly by my full name.

it's weird.

suspicious, in fact.

i feel like something's up...

meow

meow.

and I get Paid to...

Sometimes, I don't think I deserve the pay I receive.

As a nurse, I do get paid to care.

But most of the time, heck, 99.99% of the time, I don't give a fuck about the people. Oh, wow, you're in pain? Do i give a shit? NO. You could be rotting in a drain somewhere and I wouldn't give a hoot. :/

Laziness.

i've spent 3 whole days waking up superbly late (actually slept till 4.30pm one day), and going to bed at 3-4am, and not having to think about work. it was heaven.

and now, i'm feeling intensely lazy. even though my work starts at 2 pm, waking up at 11.30am was quite a struggle.

sigh.

Jaded.

so here i am, alone in KL for the weekend. the older sister and family decided to go back to Seremban to show off their new family car.

despite having the weekend off, i did not go back to Seremban. the last time i went back, i regretted it, and swore to never come back to Seremban again. well, i'm just joking, of course i would still go back there. just not now. i don't know, not too sure why, but there's this huge disappointment, this jaded feeling in me that turned me off about the town.

maybe i'm just selfish, but i feel somewhat angry and annoyed whenever i feel like I've been left out and out of loop of any new stories. working in kl, not making OR retaining any friends here, and all the while seeing the closest people having fun without you back at home -- it makes me sad. it feels like i'm being outcasted. and it adds to the painful loneliness in me. i know, i'm terribly selfish, it's impossible to keep you guys from hanging out just because i'm not there, but it hurts to see the people that matters to you enjoying themselves without you.

and again, maybe i'm just selfish, but i have this mindset that since i'm rarely home anymore, it should be like i'm a guest when i do come home. plus, i'm only in Seremban when i'm having my holidays, which is what it should be. A HOLIDAY. obviously i don't go all the way back to Seremban just to wash dishes and do the laundry or clean the toilet. so, yeah, the fact that i get told around to do chores do irks me.

and finally, i feel that it's hugely unfair to me that every time i want to see all these people that matters so much to me, i am the one who has to go through all the trouble to go back to Seremban to see them, only to do the same old thing (Seremban doesn't have much to offer in terms of places to go) over and over again. it's always karaoke, or eating, either at Jusco S2 or McD Senawang, or Pappa rich. and truth be told, i'm fucking sick of those places. and i'm fucking sick of doing all the driving and travelling. when will it be the turn that i get to seat at the passenger side, without using my fuel, without me having to decide on where we should go? when?? when will it be the time that you guys (assuming that i matter to you as much as you matter to me) would want to do the travelling all the way from Seremban to KL just to meet and hang out with me instead?

i know, my requests for you guys to come and see me instead of me going to see you, and my suggestions to do something other that eating and paying to sit in a dark room fell on deaf ears, and maybe even seem like a freaking joke. but it's not to me. i'm fucking sick. of being alone, of being out of loop of everything, of making the desperate efforts to not fall into oblivion.